Ariana Grande's Ponytail Is Definitely Trying To Upstage Her Brand New Bangs


There comes a time in every pop star's life when an identity crisis takes over. For Britney Spears, it resulted in a half-bald head. Lindsay Lohan allegedly did something involving a mountain of white powder and Christina Aguilera decided ass-less chaps were the new black.

For pint-size chanteuse Ariana Grande, that life change comes in the form of an unruly trademark ponytail. Having already gone through its quarter-life crisis, the extension-thickened tail is currently acting out in a search for meaning in its life.

When the pop star let stylist Aaron Light cut fringe a week ago, the ponytail began to feel jealousy seething within its low-lighted strands.

This brings me to a set of photographs circulating the web, which show Ariana and her trusty sidekick ponytail greeting fans in casual attire. Instead of tying her hair back into a low style to fit the baseball cap perched on top of her head, Ariana's chosen to slice a hole in the top of the hat.

Or, more accurately, the semi-sentient ponytail busted through the top of the cap. Nobody puts Baby in a corner, especially when there are statement bangs to beat out for attention.

In a Twitter reply to a fan, Ariana claimed the hat just came like that — although fraying around the hole is apparent. What we're seeing here is a publicist's orchestrated attempt to cover up the fact that the ponytail has become both conscious and rebellious.

Think of it like the boil in “The Fairly OddParents” trying to take over the world very slowly. The ponytail has all the time in the world to lie in wait and plot. That is, until Ariana's next tour.

Ariana, honey, we're here in case you start hearing murderous voices in your head. This is some Professor Quirrell shit, honestly.

What's next, a bob? An ombre? Don't touch that dial.