95 Thoughts You Have When Facebook Stalking Your Ex's New Girlfriend

by Alli Colzani

We've all been there.

You're casually scrolling through your Facebook feed when it hits you, like the loneliness derived from being alone at midnight on New Years Eve: Your ex-boyfriend is in a relationship.

Thanks to the convenience of social media, you will now spend the next hour Facebook stalking the new girlfriend. Why? Because you simply can't help yourself.

You've done it, I've done it, hell, I bet even Taylor Swift has done it. And, I bet I know exactly what you thought the entire time:

1. Shut. Up.

2. He's in a relationship???

3. Since when? Who would want to date him?

4. I mean, I was so young and naïve. I didn't know any better. It was a different story.

5. Blake? What kind of a name is Blake?

6. Is he dating a guy?

7. Oh my god, did I turn him gay???

8. That would be epic. Looks like I can check that one off of my bucket list.

9. Oh, it's just that girl who keeps tagging him in pictures. I knew something was up.

10. I mean, she's obviously obsessed with him if she's posted that many pictures before they were even FBO.

11. Maybe I should warn him. She could be some psycho killer.

12. I should probably figure out who she really is before I warn him. I watch enough "Criminal Minds" — I know the signs.

13. I wonder where they met.

14. Did she hit on him? Or, did he initiate conversation?

15. I wonder how private her profile is.

16. Ha, not private at all! What a slut.

17. Oh, God, she's beautiful.

18. Is that her real hair?

19. Her hair is seriously perfect.

20. No, really, it's perfect.

21. Let's just flip through her profile pictures and see how many likes she gets.


23. That would be SO beyond awkward.

24. Holy hell, 469 likes on a picture with her grandma?

25. Who gets 469 likes for posting a photo with her Grandma?

26. Whore. She must be a whore.

27. Aw, but she actually looks so adorable with her grandma!

28. No. No, they're not adorable. Keep going.

29. God, she has the perfect body, too?

30. I have that same bikini from Victoria's Secret.

31. I totally wear it better.

32. If only Ryan saw me in that bikini, he would agree.

33. How is she so tan?

34. I bet its fake.

35. Ryan totally hates fake bakers.

36. Or maybe, it's all Photoshop.

37. Her pictures do look pretty airbrushed.

38. Nobody is naturally that gorgeous.

39. Her skin looks seriously perfect.

40. No, really, like has she never even had a zit?

41. There's no way Ryan found someone so perfect.

42. Totally Photoshopped.

43. Oh look, a picture of them together.

44. They don't look good together.

45. Maybe she's just too tall? The height difference doesn't work well.

46. Look how his arm is wrapped around her.

47. It doesn't even look like there's any chemistry between them.

48. We had so much chemistry.

49. There was a point when we could barely keep our hands off of each other.

50. I bet they're not as intimate as we were.

51. I wonder if they've slept together yet?

52. She looks like a slut, so probably.

53. I wonder if he thinks that she's better than I am?

54. No way. What we had was special.

55. I wonder if he ever accidentally screamed my name.

56. I mean, I was his first.

57. He probably still talks about me.

58. Do you think she knows about me?

59. I probably intimidate her.

60. I mean, I was the first girl to meet his parents.

61. I would go to his house just to hang out with his parents.

62. I bet she never does that.

63. We even had dinner parties with both of our families.

64. They all thought we were getting married.

65. There's no way that his family likes her that much.

66. I'm pretty sure they all liked me better than him, anyway.

67. His mom still texts me every now and then.

68. Oh well. I'm sure one of them will cheat on the other soon.

69. There's no way a girl that flawless and hot would stay with him.

70. Even though, it's probably all Photoshopped.



73. Maybe I unliked it too soon for her to get the notification.

74. Oh, God. What if they're together and the notification popped up.

75. I would sooooooo look like the crazy ex-girlfriend.

76. I'm soooooooo not the crazy ex-girlfriend.

77. Quick. Think of something to post to make it look like I'm out having a life, not on Facebook stalking her.

78. I should post my location doing something super fun.

79. Yep, totally doing it.

80. Brilliant. I haven't posted the photos of Syd and me snowboarding last weekend.

81. He can think that it was today.

82. I mean, it could have been today.

83. "OMG, having the BEST day snowboarding with Sydney at Boyne Mountain!"

84. Perfect cover up.

85. Gosh, how did I become such a genius?

86. Now I just have to tell her that we went snowboarding today, just in case.

87. I hope they didn't run into each other at all today.

88. That would completely blow my cover.

89. I'm sure Syd didn't leave the couch today.

90. It's way too cold for her to be outside.

91. Ryan doesn't have to know that, though.

92. Ugh, this has all really stressed me out.

93. I need a coffee.

94. Or a massage.

95. Hell, I need tequila.