I won’t lie to you. I’m thinking about Taco Bell as you read this. And even when I’m not out taking shots of Fireball with the girls while we slowly watch each other go through each “drunk” girl phase, I think about food. Don’t ask me why.
Maybe it’s because food to us, young women, is comforting. It’s there when we’re sad, when we’re happy and when we’re bored.
But I came to a conclusion over the weekend: in the midst of feeling carefree because it’s not freezing outside and longing for a college keg-stand (a long that should have stopped way after graduation), I settled for meeting up with friends and socially drinking out in public.
I was at that point of thinking that applying lipstick without a mirror was a good idea because I was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom, I sat and stared at people.
While everyone probably thought I wanted to start a fight, I realized that there are two types of girls: the type that goes out looking for a guy to take home and the type that goes out to drink and wants nothing more than a taco (or four) come 3 am.
As I observed these two different types of girls at the bar, I couldn’t think of a good reason as to why going out on a mission to pick up a guy is a good idea after drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Here are some reasons why going home with a bag full of food is way better than going with a guy:
You will know exactly what to do when you walk through your door.
If you’re with a guy — whether it’s your place or his — you expect him to make all the moves. With that comes the first few minutes of straight-up awkwardness.
While you stand there and wait for everything to get rolling, you can’t help but think “how the f*ck am I going to get out of here?” But when you bring a large pizza home, you know exactly what to do.
You run up to your apartment, barge in the door, plop on the ground, turn the TV on and dig in. You will love every second of it — I guarantee it.
You won’t have to worry about an escape plan.
Oh sh*t — it’s that time. Whether it’s after he passes out or in the morning while he snores his life away and your blurred vision has turned clear, you’re at a loss for what to do.
Feeling trapped while hungover and looking like someone ran you over is the worst, especially if you’re waking up next to a guy who you’re crushing on. When it comes to the tacos you brought home, the only escape plan you need is how to get out of your house to get more.
Food won’t judge how you look naked, take up the whole bed, say something stupid or make you mad.
What else is there to say?
You don’t have to wait for a follow up text (that you probably won’t get).
How long are you supposed to wait for a text from him? And, what is that text supposed to say? “That was fun.” Yeah, sounds… romantic.
Waking up not hungry is the best feeling in the world.
In college, I was taught that eating and drinking water before going to sleep reduce the pain of a hangover. Well, maybe I wasn’t “taught” that, but I’ve experimented before.
The nights I went to bed without eating, I woke up hungry, which led me to being cranky. The nights I went to bed after eating chicken nuggets and a large fries, I woke up feeling like crap but I blamed it on the a a a a alcohol.
You won’t catch feelings.
Catching feelings leads to expectations, which leads to disappointment. Guys are very good at disappointing. One bite out of Subway footlong, and you’ll obviously want more. The best part is knowing you can get more — by walking to the nearest food joint.
Don’t turn down every single guy who asks you to “hang out.” Just remember that it’s completely Okay to go out, have a good time and make your way back home to your bed (after a food pit stop).
Save yourself all of the awkward morning troubles and the post-hookup thoughts of pregnancy and STDs. Food does the body good.