55 Lies All Girls Tell Themselves Before They Go To The Club

by Gigi Engle

We’ve all had to tell ourselves lies to get our asses out of the house and to the club... and we’ve all been that bitch at the end of the night, puking out of a cab window, while simultaneously screaming, “NEVER AGAIN!”

But there is always an “again,” isn’t there?

The club. Such a strange place, no? It’s like being inside of a giant disco ball, surrounded by girls in tight dresses who are too young to be there and sweaty dudes in jeans and button-ups who are definitely too old to be there.

Everyone is inundated with cheap, watered-down vodka and really terrible top-40s jams are pumping through the speakers, making it impossible to hear anything anyone is saying.

It’s a real cesspool. A voluntary sh*thole we dress up for and go to every single weekend.

It’s the ultimate social paradox.

Yes, we ladies pull on those skin-tight ensembles with the spiked heels and the mesh cutouts and we go to the club. Every time a girl goes out, she tells herself certain things to make her soon-to-be-regrettable actions seem farfetched.

It’s the only way we can justify our terrible behavior, by denying it will ever happen.

Scream at a stranger? Me? No way. Text my ex? Get real.

Saying these things to ourselves makes us feel better... even if they're all a load of sh*t.

Here are 55 lies every girl tells herself (and everyone else) before going to the club.

1. I'm only going to have one drink.

2. I'm just going to dance.

3. No really, I'm going for the music.

4. I will not take my shoes off tonight.

5. I don't even want to drink tonight because table vodka is disgusting.

6. I won't text my ex-boyfriend after I have too much to drink, I swear!

7. I'm totally going to tip the bathroom lady this time.

8. I can walk in these heels while intoxicated.

9. I'm not going to make out with with random guy I can't see under the disco lights.

10. Maybe I'll meet my future husband tonight because clubs are such a good place for that!

11. I will not eat pizza while drunk tonight.

12. I didn't shave my legs on purpose.

13. I will not wait on line for more than 15 minutes.

14. I'll make it out past 12:30.

15. I’m sleeping in my own bed tonight.

16. I'm not eating dinner and I’m not drunk eating.

17. I’ll take my makeup off when I get home.

18. I will not try and pick up the cab driver.

19. I'm not going to call my mom.

20. I’m not going to call my grandma.

21. I’m not going to call my sister.

22. I will not drunk upload to Snapchat.

23. I will wear tights and I will not rip those tights.

24. I will not lose anything.

25. Especially not my phone again.

26. I'm not buying everyone shots.

27. I’m not even buying myself shots.

28. I will make him wrap it up.

29. I will not Uber.

30. I won't wake up with someone else's coat.

31. I will wear pants.

32. I will wear pants that fit.

33. I’m going to look out for my friends.

34. I won't lose the coat-check ticket.

35. I won't take out the week's aggression on a bathroom attendant or bouncer.

36. And I will remember to tip her this time. Did I say that?

37. I won't hoard the bathroom supplies.

38. I will not steal the bottle under my coat (this time).

39. I will not fall down the club staircase.

40. I will not throw up in the next 24 hours.

41. I will not be that stupid bitch at the bar.

42. I will not beat that stupid bitch at the bar.

43. I'll wait for my nails to dry before I do anything else.

44. You can't tell I haven't been working out.

45. I will not get anything gross in my hair.

46. No one can tell I didn’t wash my hair.

47. This dress is definitely age appropriate.

48. I will not ditch my friends for a guy.

49. I will make him pay for the cab if he wants to take me home with him.

50. I don’t even want to go out that much.

51. I will not order Seamless when I get home.

52. I will remember everything that happened tonight tomorrow.

53. I’m not staying out past 2 am.

54. I am flawless and I look like Beyoncé.

55. I will not have a sh*tload of regrets in the morning.