To all my gal pals out there -- we’re on that level now -- this list is what happens when you miss the mark so hard that everyone around you feels uncomfortable and slowly starts to back away.
Although, to be fair, we couldn’t back away because we admittedly sort of love watching that kind of awkward fall-from-grace slow-fade unfold.
PSA: "Wall Street Insanity’s" confusing piece of prose is a gross attempt at satire (and yet, the very use of the word “satire” already feels too highbrow and credible for the low-level humor and conventional logic in which this article employs).
Half the reason why we even read it in its entirety is that we falsely believed it was written by the "WSJ" for the better part of the article (in our defense, it was via email on a mobile phone outside, psh).
The only thing sillier and possibly sadder than the post itself is the fact that we feel compelled to write our own spin on it. We do promise, however, that it’s actually got thought behind it and added entertainment value.
Here’s our response to "50 Things Every Woman Must Realize About Men," fittingly titled “50 Important Things Every Man Must Realize About Women.”
1. You gotta stay away from her top drawer in the nightstand. It’s got her Secret Service files and the stuff she needs to hide when her parents surprise visit.
2. She loves you for who you are. If she didn’t, then why would she waste her time trying to change you?
3. You should definitely take it personally when she flirts with someone in front of you. It probably means you’re either not giving her what she wants sexually or she finds that other guy way more attractive than you.
4. Her friends' opinions of you matter. To quote a girl group that defined a generation, The Spice Girls, “If you wanna be my lover / you gotta get with my friends.”
5. She wants to have a nice relationship with your mother. Who else will teach you how to treat a lady right?
6. You have to let sh*t go. Stop thinking she’s all drama when you’re the Lamar to her Khloe.
7. She likes your mystery. For some things, like your extensive collection of Beanie Babies, keep it that way.
8. She misses you when you’re gone. That doesn’t mean she’s going to send you postcards when you leave for work.
9. Withholding information is a dangerous game. WE. NEED. TO. KNOW. HOW. "GRAVITY." ENDS… and which of your friends was using hemorrhoid cream.
10. She doesn’t tell her straight guy friends anything that would make you jealous. I can’t believe this is the first time I’m saying this in this article, but give us a little more credit, "Wall Street Insanity"!
11. If you want to try anal, don’t be such a p*ssy about it.
12. She sometimes considers what it would be like to date your friend. Your roommate definitely did not look that good when you started hooking up six months ago.
13. You should learn what activities she likes to do. There’s nothing hotter than a man who won’t make me spin with him.
14. She wants you to make her stop fake orgasming. You’ll know the difference.
15. She notices when your mom picked out the gift.
16. She likes it when you step up your Prince Charming game. She might know how to cook mushroom risotto, but who said she wanted to play chef?
17. You’ve got to be capable of maintaining an erection.
18. If you’ve been together for longer than three months and she hasn’t said or intimated that she loves you, she probably doesn’t. And if she starts picking fights with you because she genuinely no longer cares, then...
19. Telling us to “relax” DOES NOT work. It has the opposite effect and you know this.
20. She might not be ready for kids. You like this body, right? Good, because currently so do we.
21. She knows when you’re lying to her... and she’s hoping it’s for that big surprise birthday she’s always wanted but could never ask for.
22. She wants you to invite her to the places you enjoy. We happen to love basketball games and any place that involves a photo opp.
23. She wants to look good for you. So don’t tell her that every option looks the same.
24. You don’t have to understand her obsession with shoes. You do, however, need to respect that she will look at them in the same way you look at porn.
25. You should always defend your gal.
26. She’s sick of always making the plans. Plan a special time for you two to show her that you care because…
27. She wants you to be thoughtful. The best presents are the ones that come from the heart, like carving out time in your day to see a movie together.
28. She will love your "who can grow the longest beard" contest with your boys if you include her and make it playful.
29. She wants you to introduce her to your circle.
30. She is secretly flattered that your friends think she’s attractive. That doesn’t mean she wants them, though (even if she thinks about it, see #12).
31. She likes being your muse in a very non-Terry Richardson way. Just don’t hang murals of the inside of her vagina in a gallery somewhere.
32. Don’t be afraid of oral. She just saw you stuff face into a hoagie -- she knows what you are capable of.
33. She wants to know what is wrong when you are upset. She doesn’t need an entire “Full House” Uncle Jesse sit-down, but keep her in the loop.
34. Don’t judge how much she eats -- especially when she’s on her period.
35. All gender stereotypes aside (I think we established this at #1), be the man in the relationship when we need you to be, like when it’s time to kill a spider.
36. We want to know about your ex-girlfriends, but only to confirm that we are better.
37. No matter how charming, good-looking or sweet you are, at some point, she’ll fake it to get you off her. Don’t let it come to this.
38. If you’ve cheated in the past, she is going to be wary of you. You should probably keep this information to yourself.
39. She likes it when you do gentlemen-like things. This does not include hocking loogies.
40. Being a huge douche isn’t a good look.
41. If you have a problem when she wins at trivial stuff, then you’re going to have an even bigger problem when she’s super successful in things that matter. See #35.
42. She knows you shamefully love “John Tucker Must Die” or some other chick flick.
43. If she’s turned down your request for a threesome already, you should probably find a fleshlight and DIY.
44. Take note: Quiet time is when she’s watching "Girls."
45. Give her reasons to compliment you. She won’t tell you that your hair looks sexy pushed back if it doesn’t resemble Aaron Samuels.
46. She needs you to indulge her sometimes. Whether that means listening to her pointless gossip or giving each other massages, it’s what makes her happy.
47. If she stops caring about dressing up in front of you, then all romance has officially gone out the window.
48. You are not her dad. You’ve been inside her.
49. She is not your mother. Don’t expect her to baby you.
50. Above all, she just wants you guys to be happy together. It’s way more simple than any list.
Photo via We Heart It