5 Alter Egos Common To Every Female Going Through A Breakup

by Erika Huber

Every girl deals with the pain of breakups differently. Some girls go into emotional overload; others act as if there was never a relationship to mourn in the first place.

But, in the aftermath of a recent split, women often take on alter egos as a coping mechanism. Breakups are hard, messy and stressful.

Having to adapt to life without someone to whom we’d grown accustomed is a challenge frequently faced with the help of one of these five characters:

1. Promiscuous Girl

This is the girl who decides to make up for the one guy she lost by making out with 10 guys at the bar. She chalks it up to being “young” and “free at last,” but really, she’s an out-of-control mess.

It’s a classic case of quantity substituting quality. Her relationship has ended, whether she wanted it to or not, so random flings and questionable hookups fill the void of the previous constant in her life.

If you’re a friend of the Promiscuous Girl and you’ve misplaced her at a house party, try checking the dark corners of the blacklight-lit basement, where she’s likely huddled with a random. You may need to invest in one of those child leash backpacks for future outings.

2. The Surrenderer

This is the girl who decides she needs to swear off men, work on herself and become celibate. She takes the opposite approach of the Promiscuous Girl because she’s had it with the male species.

She’s thrown the white flag, vowing to bow out of the game "forever." Her new, committed relationship is with homework or the gym. She becomes preoccupied with an array of activities that keep her mind off the boy.

Her new Miss Independent attitude may be a mere facade, but at least she’s working toward something productive rather than wallowing in self-pity.

3. The Enlightened One

This is the girl who suddenly realizes everything wrong with her life is due to the guy she was with; she even attributes unrelated problems to her now-ex-boyfriend.

“I was once a vibrant butterfly and he put me in a cage. No more. No more.”

She decides to start anew, start practicing Buddhism, and is magically wiser than all of her friends because of her recent love-loss.

She may become so immersed in her new life revelations, she feels the need to force relationship advice onto her friends. She has suffered through a great love that burned out just as dramatically as it ignited and the relationship gods ordained her as the all-knowing demigoddess of love.

The Enlightened One can be found at a coffee shop with her friends, preaching her revelations about what love really is, what men want, who a woman should be and all that sugary philosophical crap flooding her brain constantly.

4. The Cynic

This is the girl who embodies the character of the unamused, line-face emoji. Her failed relationship projected her into Cynic Land, where men are sub-human, primitive creatures with one-track minds.

You’ll find her slumped on the couch, beer in one hand and the remote in the other, yelling, “Pft! YEAH RIGHT!” at Ryan Gosling as he says those iconic lines, “I want all of you, forever, every day,” and promptly changing the channel to watch "Deadly Women" on Investigation Discovery.

Yet another breakup, disappointment and unmet expectations finally proved what she wasn’t entirely sure of before: Humans are sick and selfish beings she’d rather not deal with at all. #HermitLife

5. The Explosive

This is the girl who could, at any moment, be set off by so much as a couple holding hands on the street. She’s an emotional wreck whose friends have to rub her back as she cries on a bar stool.

She does dramatic rituals, like printing Facebook photos of her ex just to burn them while wearing a lunatic Taylor Swift smile on her face. She has cleared out the chocolate peanut butter ice cream at the grocery store.

Her ex has become, like Voldemort, he who shall not be named. She’s the volcano of tears and lost hope, and she doesn’t care who gets caught in her lava. It seems she’s forgotten the concept of “time heals all wounds,” and at times, may wholeheartedly believe she will never love again and will remain “forever alone.”

Friends of The Explosive should avoid playing all Drake, T-Swift and Sam Smith songs while she’s in her mourning phase.

Ladies, stay strong. Embrace your alter ego and then let her go. Don’t let her overstay her welcome.

She’s just the crazy you were hiding away during your relationship. She can have her moment in the sun, but just like your ex, she needs to be wrapped up tightly and buried in the closet.

The next time you meet, exchange cordial nods and keep moving.