Eva Plevier

26 Reasons Why I'm Not PMSing, I'm Just A B*tch

Premenstrual syndrome or PMS, or if you’re like every boyfriend I’ve ever had, “that time of the month when you become a total basket case,” is every woman’s savior and horror.

The horror part: when you’re experiencing terrible mood swings, fatigue and breast tenderness. The savior part: when you need an excuse to raid the fridge and an acceptable apology for yelling at your friends for absolutely no reason.

PMS is a handy weapon. Tell a fellow female you just want to be alone because you’re PMS-ing, and she’ll respect that. Tell your boyfriend you have a bout of PMS coming on, and he’ll forgive you for throwing your mobile at his face.

Sometimes though, it’s not PMS. It’s not even close to that. Sometimes, we're just plain ‘ol bitches. And the last thing we want to hear is we’re behaving this way simply because we’re "women."

There is nothing more insulting than having your routine bitchiness misunderstood as PMS. Why can’t we have a human moment and fly off the handle a little bit? Why is it that our forward or aggressive behaviors are always a result of something biological?

God forbid when a woman raises her voice or says something deliberately insulting we feel the puzzling need to pardon her unladylike actions by – what else? – blaming them on something more "acceptably" feminine (PMS).

Here’s the newsflash: We’re not PMSing. We’re just being bitches. And it feels a lot better than cramping in a corner and complaining about it.

For every girl who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself, for every lady who doesn’t take the word too seriously, for every woman who's ever finished her entire slice of chocolate cake just because she’s hungry for dessert, this one is for you.

You’re not about to get your period; you’re just doing you.

1. I’m not about to get my period, I just don’t want you trying to get in my pants right now and I will be vocal about it.

2. I’m not cramping, I just haven’t eaten all day because of my new juice cleanse, and it’s making me really f*cking hangry.

3. I’m not bloated, you just make me sick to my stomach.

4. I’m not depressed, but after spending the entire day together, I just don’t feel like talking to you anymore.

5. I’m not moody, I was having a great time until you spilled your drink all over me and stabbed my foot with your ridiculous heels.

6. I’m not anxious, I just don’t like hearing there will be more layoffs this week, and it’s only Tuesday.

7. I’m not losing it, you just used my toothbrush and I don’t even know how to spell your last name.

8. I’m not feisty, you just insulted my friend, and I’m not going to stand here and take it.

9. I’m not irritable, I’m just not afraid to speak my mind and you just bear-clawed your hands into the hummus.

10. I’m not tense, I just don’t like you inching closer to me because I can smell your salsa breath.

11. These aren’t mood swings, you just pissed me off in record time. Here’s a medal in the form of my middle finger.

12. I’m not eating all the food, you just cook like sh*t, and now I’m making up for lost meals.

13. My breasts aren’t sensitive, you just have the dexterity of a lawnmower.

14. I’m not socially withdrawn, you just can’t smell yourself.

15. I’m not tired, I just took out all the pent-up aggression you’ve caused me at the gym.

16. I’m not being highly emotional, you just treat our relationship like an episode of “The View.”

17. I’m not retaining water, you’re just filling me up with lies.

18. I’m not in pain, but this conversation is making me wince.

19. I’m not begging for it, but you’re not exactly giving it away.

20. I’m not overwhelmed, I just have more important things to work on than your sh*tty attitude.

21. I’m not constipated, you’re just making everything really difficult right now.

22. I’m not crying out of nowhere, you just slept with my best friend and gave her my clothes to wear on her walk home.

23. I’m not about to break out, but I will soon if you keep stressing me out with your petty issues.

24. I’m not fatigued, your story is just putting me to sleep.

25. I'm not stubborn, I just don't think paying $20 to see Anne Hathaway poorly pretend to be an astronaut is worth it.

26. I'm not PMS-ing, I'm just being a bitch.