To be truly "chill," by our modern definition, you have to just be really f*cking stupid.
You have to not realize the gravity of any of your actions so that you aren't worried about feeling guilty or concerned. You have to be an idiot floating through life, completely unaffected by anything and everything around you.
Yet somehow, this has become the cool thing for girls to be.
You have real feelings for the guy you've been with for two years? DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
You're upset your best friend completely blew off your party with no explanation? PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE NOT. You want to cry? HOLD IT IN UNTIL IT PHYSICALLY PAINS YOU.
Someone just said something extremely offensive about something you are very passionate about? SMILE AND NOD BECAUSE YOU'RE CHILL, AND YOU DGAF ABOUT ANYTHING.
We’re forced to silence our natural human thoughts, feelings and impulses in order to avoid being labeled the “crazy girl.”
This is a pretty big problem because most girls are NOT floating through life completely unaffected by anything and everything around them. But we have to pretend that we are so nobody thinks we’re crazy.
As a result, we’ve gone to great and significantly UNCHILL lengths in order to appear “chill.” Here's a list.
1. Using words like “chill.”
Fact: Anyone who prides herself on being “chill” has zero chill.
2. Saying you don’t care when you do.
“No, I don’t mind if you skip my birthday dinner to get 'coffee' with a guy you met on the subway this morning! That’s fine. Only been best friends for 20 years.”
3. Being passive-aggressive with your roommate.
Because leaving a sticky note on the fridge and rolling your eyes every time she leaves the room is way cooler than just telling her we’re out of milk and it’s her turn to buy it, right?
4. Joining in on sh*tting on the "crazy girl."
The guys are all talking about this girl who -- get this -- asked to be exclusive after seven months of “casually” hooking up!!! Instead of admitting you too have been this girl and that you completely see where she’s coming from, you join in: "Haha yeah, that girl’s nuts…”
5. Settling for a non-date.
“Oh ... we’re just gonna watch Netflix in your bedroom for our FIRST date…? Cool, can’t wait! I’m sure we’ll really get to know a lot about each other.”
6. Not saying anything when someone blows you off.
“A guy ghosted me? Cool, let me just silently cry until he casually texts me ‘hi’ eight months from now, and I pretend like nothing happened.”
7. Trying to make a point via what you’re eating.
Whether you order a kale salad to impress your yoga-obsessed girlfriends or a bacon cheeseburger to prove you can hang with the guys, eating anything you don’t want to be eating is NOT CHILL.
8. Drinking disgusting sh*t.
Like that time you forced yourself to down a Manhattan when all you really wanted was a Cosmo.
9. Holding in your sadness.
Chill girls don’t have feelings, DUH!!! You’re just happy 24/7… that is, until you go home and cry in your room by yourself.
10. Holding back your strong opinions.
No, you don’t agree that Donald Trump should absolutely be canonized as a saint by the church after he dies. But you awkwardly smile and agree because YOU ARE CHILL AF!!!
11. Forcing yourself to go out when you don’t want to.
You are on antibiotics that may cause internal bleeding if you drink, and you would honestly rather gauge your eyes out than be at a bar with your ex right now... but YOLO, amiright!?
12. Saying something you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
It’s easy to call Valerie a "raging bitch" when she’s 20 miles away, but what if she were standing in the room?
13. Silently judging.
“Omg no I don’t care at all if you smoke!!” *As you open all windows and mentally draft the eulogy you'll be giving for her when she dies of lung cancer in like three weeks*.
14. Pretending you don’t wear makeup.
“This is just my natural skin!”... Plus about eight pounds of foundation and bronzer.
15. Taking the not-so-candid.
“Guys, guys, guys, look at my face and pretend like we’re laughing hysterically.” Because, you know, regular pictures are just too forced.
16. Not asking for a raise.
Yeah, you’ve been working there for seven years and, yeah, you've been promoted three times without seeing any pay increase, and yeah, I guess you're pretty indispensable to the company … but you don’t want to be annoying. Living off food stamps is worth being chill, right?
17. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not.
I mean, who wants to be that psycho who FEELS things!?!!?
18. Pretending you didn’t study.
“Oh yeah, I just naturally knew all this stuff about ancient African literature off the top of my head.”
19. Completely reject and/or twist all compliments.
“Oh, this ($5000) bag (I’ve been saving for years for)?! I literally just found it at a thrift shop for $6!”
20. Pretending you know an artist you don’t.
“OMG, YES, I LOVE KID CUDI THEY ARE SO GOOD LIVE.”
21. Trying something you don’t feel comfortable trying.
“I’m highly lactose intolerant, and this fro-yo will absolutely give me explosive diarrhea, but you know what? YOLO, I’m chill.”
22. Pretending to like things you f*cking hate.
“No, this dubstep mashup doesn’t sound at all like I would imagine a brain aneurysm to feel like!!!”
23. Buying Free People to look like a free spirit.
And spending a grand on your “boho-chic” look.
24. Buying $500 tickets to a music festival where you don’t know one headliner.
BUT YOU CAN TAKE CUTE PICS OF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN FLOWER CROWNS DECKED OUT IN YOUR FREE PEOPLE BOHO-CHIC OUTFITS!!
25. Pretending you have no worries.
“Unemployment? My cheating boyfriend? My life-threatening disease? NAAAH, WE’RE CHILLING.”