I love love. I love love more than I actually love being in love. I love love more than I’m sure what love even means.
After years of being lied to by movie stars and Disney princesses, nothing quite meets the cinematic expectations we have for romance. But sit me down in front of the big screen while he’s walking away, and she doesn’t know he’s doing it for her own good, and you’ve got me.
You’ve got me wrapped up in a bundle of tears and a lifetime of disappointments.
Here are the top 11 things RomComs have ruined for me when it comes to love:
Love at first sight
It’s that idea of "when you know, you just know." How am I supposed to confidently assess whether that feeling is admiration for chiseled abs or that person’s entire character? Certainty is not something that comes naturally for me. I’m not even sure what I ate yesterday for breakfast.
Obviously, this doesn’t apply to Ryan Gosling and me. It really is love at first sight; he just hasn’t seen me yet.
Awkward is “adorkable”
No, not in real life; although, many of us wish it were. It would make getting a date so much easier.
Alas, awkward is just awkward and rarely as endearing as it's made out to be.
The magical first kiss
It’s that moment when sound stops, time slows and your lips meet for the first time.
In my mind, it goes a little more like this: Are we going to open our mouths now? Why are they attacking me with so much tongue? Did our teeth just hit? Should I tilt my head the other way? Wait, where’s his right hand going? I wonder if I hit send on that email.
Friends-with-benefits always ends in true love
That’s not how that works. The real story involves people with commitment issues.
Someone’s got one foot out the door, looking for the next best thing. One of them develops feelings or admits to feelings he or she has had the entire time, and his or her counterpart either freaks out or stays until reaching exhaustion and leaving. At no point does he or she come running back with apologies and the stark realization that it’s true love.
Remember when Lena Dunham got banged in a construction pipe in “Tiny Furniture,” and then the guy never called her? I was like, yeah, that’s totally how that ends.
Glorified sexy time
Don’t get me wrong; sexy time can be sexy. But sexy time can also have its confusing moments.
First off, there are a lot of holes -- way too many. Secondly, I’m thinking of taking a sexual education class. Is anyone with me? Lastly, no one is Don Juan. Flailing limbs, weird noises and awkward faces fail to make it to the Hollywood movie montage. They do exist, and you’re not alone.
Thinking your significant other will be able to articulate his or her love for you in a monologue
I want the poeticism of Oscar Wilde with the rhythm of the Black Eyed Peas. It has to be eloquent, but real. If it sounds forced, he should start over. After all, he has to know every reason why he loves me and be able to compare it to a summer day.
Grandiose gestures of love
Sometimes it’s really hard to understand why my boyfriend isn’t holding a boom box over his head, calling my name from the top of the Rocky Mountains, while borderline stalking me as a testament to our love.
Overcoming the insurmountable odds together
Keeping your love fern alive is just the tip of the iceberg. Everything is against you, but you fight the odds for that other person.
Every time something is too easy, I’m immediately suspicious. The relationship is obviously not doing well. Where’s the passion, the villain, the fire…?
He or she will fight for you
This implies there is something to fight against, which leads a lot of people to create their own problems. You can be a royal pain in the behind and storm out of the building, but nothing requires your lover to chase after you. Stop running away.
If he or she loves you, he or she is already there. Stay.
Love will solve your life problems
You are your own key to happiness. No one can give it to you, and that’s why it’s so hard. Love from another person is an extraordinary gift, but it will not solve your problems.
If your happiness is contingent on an external force you can’t control, this dependence limits your freedom and emotional stability. In order to experience a life greater than your own, you need to be able to be yourself and be happy with yourself on your own.
I complete me, Jerry Maguire; I complete me.
Happily ever after
Once you make it past all the initial obstacles, nothing is in the way of your love. It’s all smooth sailing from there on out.
Which married couple agrees?
Photo Courtesy: Universal Pictures/Definitely, Maybe