Dating in a city like New York is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Now imagine the haystack is a pile of needles. You get the idea--nothin’ but pricks.
I’m exaggerating, of course (I’m not). Between my friends and me, I have enough material to write an article called “100 Men To Avoid In NYC.” Hmm, maybe I’ll have to make this a series.
Ladies, there is an exception to every rule, so take this with a grain of salt. And guys, yes, women can be dirtbags too, there’s no dispute there; but I’m here to inform the ladies, so by all means, write your own article!
Without further ado, here are 11 types of men you're bound to encounter (and should avoid) in New York City.
The Nightclub Guy
Kirill Was Here
“Pop bottles. Bang models.” That’s a pretty accurate account of what goes on in the life of a nightclub guy. Being a club owner in particular is like fishing with dynamite, and there is an endless sea of gorgeous, inebriated women to reel in.
Many nightclub guys fall into a self-destructive pattern of partying and senseless sex.
They stay out until at least 3 or 4AM, so forget about having a normal routine if you decide to date one. And accept the fact that he’s probably going to cheat…but at least you’ll get into the VIP. Yay.
The Restaurant Guy
Don’t be fooled -- restaurateurs are just glorified nightclub guys. The liquor is top-shelf and the environment is more civilized, but they’re still nocturnal and are exposed to all the same temptations.
Men, “I’m working” is not an acceptable excuse to be using your phone all throughout dinner. It’s really f*cking rude. If she wanted to watch a man stare at a screen, she could go to a sports bar. She didn’t come to an “intimate” dinner with you so that she could have a conversation with her fried calamari.
Ladies, if you encounter this guy, excuse yourself and leave. He will likely not even notice you’re missing until the check comes. Workaholics rarely change their habits, so get used to coming in second (if you’re lucky).
The Male Model
The male model is perhaps the dumbest breed of human in existence. That’s a horrible thing to say, but a girl can only hear about lat workouts and his rad new tattoo so much before she wants to slam her head against a wall. Male models are really nice to look at and have great bodies, but are typically more into themselves than any woman. Plus, they stay faithful about as long as it takes to drink their protein shake.
The Too-Good-To-Be-True Guy
He’s attractive, successful, emotionally available and seemingly perfect. Think again. This is the guy who either collects toenail clippings and/or still bathes with his sister. Before you get too excited, do a little digging; the garbage usually isn’t too far beneath the surface.
The Guy Who’s Slept With All Of Your Friends
If you’re senseless enough to date a guy who has bedded a large number of women you know personally, then you have no one to blame but yourself when he screws you over.
The Guy Who’s Slept With Other Men
He’s slept with men. Need I say more?
The Modelizer Guy
These men exclusively date models. Some modelizers won’t even date a regular model, but only well-established models that have been on at least one or two major covers. You have to ask yourself what it is they are compensating for (small penis?).
Or as Mr. Big said in “Sex and the City,” “[Some men] just have a thing for exceptionally beautiful women.” Yes, perhaps that’s true, but when a man rejects a woman solely because she isn’t a model, it is no longer a preference -- it’s a fixation.
A model has been “certified” beautiful and without that certification, it’s not official in his eyes. It seems likely that they are seeking validation from others because they have some deep-rooted insecurities themselves (small penis?). This type of man isn’t likely to stick around for too long (assuming, of course, you live up to his standards) because there will always be a newer model for him to “upgrade” to.
The Guy Who Should Be In Rehab
Courtesy Radar Online
Hey guys, it’s fun to go to the club every once in a while -- do some shots, get your boogie on; but if you’re going to throw up in front of your date, it better be because you ate a bad oyster -- and even then it’s not advisable.
There’s nothing less attractive than a bad drunk. You’re the man. It’s your job to take care of your girl, not the other way around. Her babysitting days ended in junior high. As for the druggies, there’s really no benefit to dating one. They are messy, embarrassing, moody and total liabilities. In either case, you can forget about having a decent sex life! Alcohol and drugs are known to cause to erectile dysfunction. Wah, wah.
The Celebrity Guy
NYC is crawling with all types of celebrities from actors, to athletes, to musicians, to disgraced politicians. Beware: there might be a few loose screws here. Actors in particular are generally insecure and narcissistic -- simultaneously (which is common considering their vocation). It’s almost impossible for them to live up to any fantasy you’ve imagined in your mind, so be prepared for disappointment.
These aren’t the romantic, lovesick men you see on screen or hear singing power ballads. It’s likely that they’re just interested in a little nooky. Sure, it’s an ego boost to get attention from them, and it makes for a great story; but unless you’re just doing it for an interesting anecdote in your future memoirs, it’s best to avoid the celeb guy.
The Shiksa Hunter
NYC is full of handsome, successful, funny and very charming Jewish men. And most of them will tell you they’re not really religious. Well, that may be true, but remember this — much of the time, behind an amazing Jewish man is an amazing Jewish mother, who wants nothing more than to have little amazing Jewish grandchildren.
And she will get her way. The men are, of course, aware of this, but know that disclosing the fact that there’s no real future is a bit of a mood killer. Use your judgment and don’t fall too hard. Even converting may not be enough to keep him long-term.
Overall, the dating world is looking pretty bleak for the ladies of New York, but I hear there are some normal guys out there…whatever “normal” means. All you can do is hope the needle you pick from the needle stack doesn’t cut too deep, wasn’t previously poking a blood-relative, or isn’t contaminated with Hepatitis.