To the men who don't secretly skim Cosmo or are gravely misled by Esquire magazine, take a glance at this post.
Just as you have your strong opinions about our sexual performance, we've got some things to say about you men, too. This is us not-so-subtly telling you to stop doing all the annoying stuff you think we're enjoying (we're not).
And we know you'll listen because let's face it: we're the ones who hold all the p*ssy power.
Pushing The Back Of Our Heads
The fastest way to make us bite your dick off is to slam our necks into your crotch. If you don't like the favors we're so generously handing out, then encouragingly tell us what feels great or just do it yourself. There's nothing more degrading than trying to control a woman when she's clearly in charge. Try swallowing your own pride, if you know what we mean.
Releasing Your Entire Body Weight On Us
Look, we understand that it gets tiring being on top the whole time, but when you rest your entire body weight on us, you're actually crushing our ribs with your whale humping. Try using those biceps you bragged about earlier to prop yourself up or just switch positions. We can't feel anything when we feel your weight like a boulder on our stomachs.
Pulling A Fast One
Hmmm, how do we put this eloquently? Just like we had to consent for you to put it in the main hole, you're going to have to get the "okay" first before you put it in the back hole. A lot of women don't like it and a lot of women do -- verbally find out which category she falls into instead of using the "trial and error" method. If you impulsively do it prior to asking (RUDE), she has every right to backhand you.
Here's a heads up (literally): unless you're Leo DiCap, we're going to want a warm-up session before the main event. This is when all the excitement happens, so don't sell you and your girl short.
If you don't have anything to say, we'd prefer you say nothing at all instead of greeting us with a "Hi." Pretty sure we exchanged pleasantries at the beginning of the night, no need to say "Hello" again, we're still here. And really, what do you want us to respond back? "Sup, nm u?"
The Jack Rabbit
Are you trying to break ground in our vaginas? You're not going to strike gold jack hammering your penis inside your lady. Remember, there's vital organs in there that make babies, too.
Drowning Us In The Shower
If there's water involved, be sure you're not choking your partner under the faucet. When you hear "gurggle gurggle" noises, chances are she's drowning under the spray. Sexual activity in the shower is fun -- until someone gets hurt.
Splashing On Our Freshly Laundered Sheets
Remember the phrase "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it"? Well, if you don't have any place nice to spray, then don't spray it. Yes, we are planning on washing our sheets anyway, but we'd rather not lie in your body fluids in the time being. Be respectful of our property and we may invite you back next week.
"Forgetting" To Ask If She's On The Pill
Your negligence will cost you. Safe sex is just as much our responsibility as it is yours. End of discussion.
Playing Awful Music
Nothing kills a mood more than listening to heavy electro rave sounds -- last we checked we're getting it on, not embarking on a galactic space trip to Mars. Same goes for crap like "Boyz II Men" or whatever throwback nonsense you think is awesomely fun, but really awesomely lame. And if you play "Drake" in the background, you've officially given yourself up as the softest guy out there.