Ah, springtime. The flowers are in bloom, the sun is shining and you’re looking for activities other than day drinking and rooftop bar hopping.
Eventually, you might stumble upon one of the many recreational sports leagues out there.
You know, so you don’t feel as bad about pounding 10 beers, making out with a cheeseburger and hugging the office toilet the next day.
At least not until after you run around for a few hours, right?
In addition to getting the body moving and the blood pumping, co-rec sports leagues offer social opportunities that can otherwise be hard to come by.
After (and before?) games, teams will head to a nearby bar to throw a few back and chill out.
It’s a great way to make new friends, find a date for your next day drinking session and forget about the stresses of work and life for a bit.
But, there’s also a dark side. And if you’ve ever participated in a ZogSports league or anything similar, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Inevitably, there are always those participants who need to reevaluate why they joined in the first place.
We’re here to have a good time and sweat a little, not run over a girl at home plate like it’s Game 7 of the World Series.
These are the 15 types of people who ruin every co-rec sports league.
The dickhead who bunts in kickball because there’s a girl playing deeper than she should at third base
First of all, anyone who bunts in kickball should be forced to strip down to his or her underwear and run 15 laps around the park while everyone else continues to play.
Come on, dude.
If it’s more important for you to “drive in” the go-ahead run from third base via bunt than it is to have any sense of integrity, well, you might be past the point of no return as far as being a human is concerned.
Any chance you had to score is now gone with the wind.
The girl who’s more interested in lying down in the grass than playing left field
Look, nobody forced you to sign up for the league and come out and play.
This isn’t high school gym class, so please don’t act like you’re doing us all a huge favor just by showing up to the game.
If I were on the opposing team, I’d instruct every single person on my team to directly hit or kick the ball right at this individual.
You're just being selfish -- selfish to your teammates, first and foremost, but also selfish toward your opposition. The other team A. came to play a real game, and B. has girls on the team who take offense to your behavior.
The dude with no problem hurling a dodgeball at someone’s head in the name of victory
Even though there's an unspoken rule about no headshots in dodgeball, especially co-rec dodgeball, there is always that guy who thinks he’s in combat instead of at the park or a gym.
You know this guy, the one who can’t differentiate between a fun way to blow off steam and a fight to save his firstborn’s life.
Under no circumstances is it cool to hurl a dodgeball at a guy or girl’s head.
I’m trying to go to work tomorrow, man, not have welts on my face that make coworkers think I either have an abusive girlfriend or got into a bar fight last night.
The chick more interested in picking up numbers than a bat
One of the best parts of co-rec sports is the social aspect that comes with it.
I fully acknowledge this, but having full conversations and trying to pick up numbers is something that should be reserved for after the game, at the bar.
You cannot drop your glove in the middle of an inning because you think the dude on second is hot.
I’m under no illusion co-rec softball is the major leagues, but that doesn’t mean I paid $150 to have the game interrupted whenever you’re trying to holler.
The dude who just cut the sleeves off his shirt and is wearing a bandana
You’ve probably encountered this species of douche well before you signed up to play in a recreational sports league.
You see him at the gym, running in the park and occasionally grocery shopping.
More often than not, this is the same guy bunting and headhunting.
If you want a sleeveless shirt, buy one without sleeves. It’s probably cheaper because there’s less fabric.
You’re not a biker or a professional tennis player, so why you’re wearing a bandana in a light-hearted co-rec game of kickball, softball, dodgeball or volleyball is beyond comprehension.
Make sure you roll with that outfit to the bar, too. Girls love armpit hair with their drinks.
The guy who shows up in cleats for the first game of the season
We’re playing co-rec kickball, not trying out for the Yankees.
If you show up for the first game of the season and there’s a dude wearing full-length baseball pants and cleats, you should take it upon yourself to lead everyone else in a massive shaming of this bro.
Not only is this guy embarrassing, he could also seriously hurt someone during the game. Just imagine this tool sliding into second, spikes up, taking out some poor girl, or poor dude, in the process.
The person who always has an injury to complain about
I highly doubt you’re going to require Tommy John surgery after pitching a few innings of a co-rec softball game.
But almost always, there’s that hero who acts like he or she just got gunned down after taking a bit of a stumble on the field.
I get it, you’re embarrassed about tripping. But, there's no need to stop the game for 20 minutes so everyone can make a circle around you and fake concern.
Stop it, #attentionwhore!
The guy who won’t let girls play positions he thinks are too important
Newsflash, Conan, it’s 2015! Girls are good at sports! Hell, they can even vote and sh*t.
I’m so sick of the dude who decides he’s Lord of the Field and can tell everyone -- not just girls -- where they’re going to play.
You do you, and let everyone else figure it out. You’re not the captain, and no one is impressed you played junior varsity baseball in high school.
The person who points to left field and calls the shot every time he’s up at bat
Maybe it was cute or funny the first time, but if this person is still doing this in the sixth game of the season and hasn’t gotten beamed in the head with a softball, well, you’re in the wrong league.
I bet this is the same person popping up to first on a routine basis.
You couldn’t even hit a sacrifice fly? SMH.
“Guys, it’s hot.”
“Did anyone bring an extra water bottle?”
“Can I use your towel after?”
“I want to bat first (probably again).”
“How many outs in an inning?”
The guy wearing his high school varsity jersey
Now coming to the plate, a future verbally abusive parent!
Come on, man, are you wearing that to show off? To get girls? To let people know you mean business?
It’s been a long time since you were in high school, so it’s probably best to leave that jersey where it belongs: in mom’s basement.
The person who gets too mad when a teammate makes a mistake
Chill. The. F*ck. Out.
We’re here for a good time. We don't want to be screamed at after not completing a double play in kickball.
I get it, your little league coach-dad most likely screamed at you and made you run suicides after every little mistake you made.
Or your boss is an evil dick who makes your life miserable on a daily basis.
Well, we’re not your dad or your boss, and we don’t want you to take that rage out on us.
The person who gets ejected from every game for fighting/arguing with the ref
Say it with me, “co-rec sports league.”
There’s no need for you to have zero chill and get into a fight with anyone on the field -- teammates, opposing players and referees included.
You don’t agree with a strike call in softball, so hit a home run the next time you’re up.
It’s pretty uncool to be the fool who repeatedly gets tossed from a league you paid to play in. It probably doesn’t help in the making friends category, either.
The person who’s way more athletic than he or she looks
Be wary of this person when it comes to making friends and trying to decide who plays where on the field.
These members of your team, or players on the opposing team, won’t look like they know the difference between a baseball bat and a pogo stick, but they will absolutely crush it when they're up.
Make the mistake of underestimating your opponents, and they could end up burning you and your team when it matters most.
The guy who’s way too drunk throughout the entire game but gets it together for the win
Our favorite fratstar.
This gentleman showed up to game already tanked, brought a personal 12-pack on top of that and hasn’t stopped introducing himself to the same chicks in between every inning.
At one point, this guy will be so gone, he may take a nap on the field or in the dugout. But, don’t be so quick to dismiss him as worthless.
This guy, after sleeping it off to get back just enough coherence, will come up big when it matters most.
Whether he makes a diving catch to clinch a win or a walk-off home run in the ninth, this all-star will have his moment in the sun. Then, he'll order the first round of shots at the bar to celebrate.