Super Bowl Bets Every Girl Should Make
Boys have their gambling pools -- boxes on boxes on boxes of buying the perfect squares.
It's the art of making sure any of their fantasy draft players are eligible for the big game, and sending them personalized, heartfelt emails wishing them good luck.
Okay, that last part I made up.
But, it is not out of the ordinary to think man crushes are for real, and every one of my guy friends has them on his fantasy team.
During the big game, aside from stuffing your face with every appetizer in sight, many people try to stuff their pockets full of money won by betting on the big game.
It seems like a good idea, but I am also the first to admit I have no idea how to interpret any terminology involved with gambling.
For all I know, a point spread is something I can put on a sandwich, an over/under is talking about bridges and covers are another term for describing the blankets on your bed.
People of all ages like to make wagers on the big game. I'm all for that, but I'm not going to show up, sit there, pay money and pretend I know what is going on.
However, I do know there is a way for girls to get involved without being that annoying chick at the party asking every dude in the room what a safety is and why it is two points.
Here are some things chicks should bet on during the Super Bowl:
1. Who will win
Whether or not you know anything about football, you should know the two teams competing for the NFL's best in show.
Pick one of the two teams to win, and you may or may not be right. Bonus points if you pick the right team.
Double bonus points if you pick correctly AND make it through the entire game without passing out from drinking too much wine.
2. Commercials that will feature any variety of baby animals
Everyone knows the way to a consumer's heart is with puppies, kittens, ducklings and pygmy goats.
I don't remember what Budweiser tastes like or if I even enjoy drinking it, but you bet your bottom dollar I know I'm going to be buying 100 six packs to help fund more commercials featuring puppies and horses.
3. Names you don't understand how to pronounce
There are names you can pronounce, and then there are the names of the players in the NFL.
Take bets on how many names you will say incorrectly because they are actually pronounced the way they are spelled. I'm talking to you, Dont'a Hightower.
4. Length of the national anthem
This is a good one.
The national anthem, depending on who sings it, can either be a painfully drawn-out, boring saga of opera-style vocals, or a wonderful crescendo featuring pop-infused, modern flair melodies, sung by someone who is relevant and not almost in danger of being put in a nursing home.
5. Halftime show surprises
Think anyone saw the Janet Jackson nipple slip coming?
Think anyone knew Destiny's Child would reunite?
You never know what it will be, but based on the halftime performer, you can pretty much guarantee something magnificent, crazy, nostalgic or just straight-up weird will go down.
That, my friend, is something you should absolutely be sure of.
6. Snacks people in the boxes will be eating
Box seats are a luxury not many people can afford.
If you are one of the blessed few who not only gets to watch the Superbowl, but also do it in an enclosed area with free booze, food and a personal bathroom, you are bound to be an important person.
That being said, when the camera does pan up to the famous people who so wonderfully took time out of their schedules to watch a football game, you better believe they're going to be snacking on everything from lobster rolls to popcorn.
Your job is to anticipate the snack and make the winning bet.
7. Touchdown celebrations
Gronk spikes the football with fury. Victor Cruz does the salsa. The Tebow. These are all iconic rituals performed after touchdowns are earned.
Anticipate those kinds of antics, but also be aware that a simple throwing of the football into the stands is a sneaky celebration always overlooked.
8. Weirdest statistic during the broadcast
Is it going to be the number of games played at a temperature below 38 degrees?
Or could it be the number of players with dreadlocks on the field at a given time? How many Bloody Marys you have to drink to weigh the same as a linebacker?
The NFL does this thing where they have the most absurd statistics for everything and anything that ever occurred in playoff history.
Think of something that happened to you on Saturday night, throw in a percentage, add that stat to a team and pray for it to be true. There you go.
9. Team with the best bodies
What good is watching a game you don't care about if not for the ogling at all the man candy? Pick a side, any side, and you will be a winner.
There are no losers when every player on the field is paid millions of dollars to be in the best shape of his life. Treat yourself; look up some shirtless photos for reference and research.
And, as always, bet responsibly and conservatively.