Among the things you should never put near your genitals, live snakes have got to be, like, top five at least.
But that didn't stop this pet-store thief from doing just that.
Surveillance footage from A to Z Pets in Portland, Oregon, shows an unidentified man stealing a 2-foot-long, black pastel ball python — by stuffing the reptile down the front of his jeans.
The snake, which owner Christin Bjugan said is one of his “rarest reptiles,” cost more than $200. Despite that, the pet-store owner is keeping a positive attitude about the unexpectedly hilarious ordeal.
He's lucky it wasn't feeding day. Feeding days are on Mondays. And they're very hungry.
We're sure the snake will get another chance to punish his kidnapper.
Check out the footage up top.