Unfortunately, alcohol and horrific poop stories tend to go hand-in-hand all too often.
Remember when one of Elite Daily's finest, Oliver McAteer, recounted the terrifying tale of the time he took a drunk girl home and ultimately had to clean up her diarrhea with his bare hands?
Well, it turns out that McAteer isn't the only lucky fella out there who's had some seriously shitty dates.
A Reddit user who goes by the name ARattledSanity recently shared a post that detailed his interesting rendezvous with a drunk married woman who turned out to be a real party pooper.
He starts off the post by giving a little background information about himself, saying,
I am a single man living in a city in the US. I was raised incredibly religious and recently, already far into adulthood, I have begun to experiment with the mischievous pleasures I have up to this point avoided. My life is currently an oddly connected string of misadventures. Not the least of which happened on the night I fucked up.
So, what is this grand fuck up that he is referring to?
Well, to put it quite frankly, this dude had drunk sex with a married woman who accidentally pooped on him.
Yep, talk about some seriously *steamy* sex.
If you're wondering what caused this date to end with some unsolicited defecation, let's go back to the beginning.
Before this crappy sexual encounter, ARattledSanity had been pretty into hooking up with married women.
In his post, he reveals,
One such taboo I have explored is sex with married women. For those unaware, there is a robust online community comprised of couples in open relationships looking to explore sex outside of their partnership. I have dipped my toe into these waters many times with generally positive results.
But this all changed after he met a woman that he refers to in the post as "Jane."
After texting back and forth for some time, ARattledSanity finally took Jane out to dinner at a restaurant next to his apartment.
During dinner, these two really hit it off and things seemed to be going great.
That is, until these two decided to accept a second, complimentary bottle of wine and "opened it thinking we would have a sip or two, but finished it far too quickly."
After getting sufficiently shit-faced at dinner, ARattledSanity took the now-intoxicated Jane back to his apartment.
According to ARattledSanity,
After dinner we changed into swimwear and went up to a large ornate hot tub on the roof of my apartment complex. The wine kicked in and we were feeling its romance. There was chemistry. We kissed. Soon we were ready to be alone. In my apartment we turned the music on and the lights off. She removed her wet swimsuit in a strip-tease performance. All clothes came easily off and we started to have sex on my couch.
It was during this romp on the couch that ARattledSanity started to notice some oddities.
He first notes that "Jane is a squirter, meaning upon sexual stimulation up to and including orgasm, Jane lets forth warm gushed bursts of liquid from her vagina."
Apparently, this wasn't his first rodeo with a woman who has this attribute, so he disregarded the liquid and kept at it.
They and eventually move things onto the floor, where Jane took the reigns and got on top of ARattledSanity.
This is where everything goes to shit. Literally.
After a particularly intense orgasm, ARattledSanity notes that a shocked expression spread over Jane's face, before she suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom.
According to ARattledSanity,
It was then I realized the smell. It was a terrible and familiar smell. My wine-drunk brain frantically scattered through its olfactory libraries to determine the culprit, afraid to look down where Jane had straddled. But in the end I couldn't will away reality, and when all evidence was too strong to refute I began to accept that I'd been shit on.
After cleaning up the smelly remnants of their romp with "a half dozen towels (that have since been burned)," ARattledSanity joined Jane in the shower.
Apparently, it didn't take long for this guy to get over the fact that he had just been pooped on because in no time, these two started going for round two in the shower.
Given the conclusion of their first sexual encounter, they should have probably stayed in the shower.
But instead, they decided to move things into the bedroom.
Although ARattledSanity may not have entirely learned his lesson, he was at least smart enough to take some precautionary measures the second time around.
In the post, the Reddit user writes,
Though I had apparently forgiven the earlier mishap, I had not forgotten. I laid down a series of towels in strategic locations and positioned our bodies to have sex on the bed's edge so that the physics of our planet coupled with the angle of her asshole would form a natural path towards one of many towel traps.
Round two was going just fine until Jane had another strong orgasm, and rained shit on this guy's parade once more.
Yep, I guess it's safe to say: Once a pooper, always a pooper.
After pooping on her poor date for the second time, Jane finally fessed up to the pile of poo, saying, "I keep excreting."
I was a bundle of emotions. On one hand, I had been shit on a second time. On the other hand, my shit-trapping towel mathematics had succeeded! In many ways I felt like the sexually deviant De Vinci of this wayward shit-fearing generation.
Apparently, being covered in doodie two times was finally enough to teach this guy a lesson, because their next shower session did not end with more sex.
Instead, ARattledSanity walked Jane to the door and then proceeded to bleached every square inch of his shit-stained apartment.
It's just too bad that bleach can't be used to clean this man's soiled memories as well.
But hey, if there's one positive lesson we can take away from this traumatic story, it's that cheating on your husband will make your feel really, really shitty about yourself.