As my nearest and dearest can attest, I prefer white wine to red, cats to dogs, and salty foods to sweets — those are just my personal preferences. We all have likes and dislikes based on our opinions, experiences, and sometimes just because! Individual preferences define our tastes in all aspects of our lives, and especially when it comes to our sex lives. While it might seem obvious why you don't like, say, horror movies, you might wonder why do you like certain sexual fantasies over others. Does your go-to sexual fantasy reveal something important about your personality, proclivities, or psychology? The short answer is... maybe.
I spoke to Stephanie Alys, sexpert and Chief Pleasure Officer of Mystery Vibe, about how people develop their sexual fantasies and what it all means. Alys says, "Fantasies don’t necessarily tell a story about who you are. In fact, many fantasies are about scenarios that you would never actually want to play out in real life."
So if you have a fantasy that's a dramatic situation, like being dominated or dominating your partner, you might wonder if that has significance or could mean you have issues regarding control in other areas of your life. While trying to understand what your fantasies mean can be a healthy venture, assigning significance to them might not be super productive. Alys suggests, "Instead of overanalyzing what it all means, try to enjoy where your mind takes you and the subsequent effects on your body."
When it comes to developing your sexual fantasies, you might be drawn to scenarios that you've experienced IRL or be attracted to situations you've only imagined. Alys says, "Sexual fantasies can be a way to process our fears, our trauma, or just something we don’t understand, and also a way to just simply have some fun." So your fantasy of choice could be related to deeper aspects of your personality and mind, but it could also just be a scenario or act you really enjoy thinking about. Alys also says, "There are a million reasons you may be drawn to a certain fantasy. Whatever it is, remember it’s healthy for your mind to explore!"
Exploration is the name of the fantasy game, and while sexual exploration relates to your physical body, sexual fantasies relate to exploring your psyche. Alys says, "Fantasizing while masturbating is a way of exploring your body, but it’s also a way to explore your mind." Naturally, you might wonder if your favorite sexual fantasy reveals things about you relating to your personality, relationship dynamics, and past experiences, and Alys believes that while that can be the case, it's not a hard and fast rule.
Alys also explains that while it's common to have a particular fantasy you keep revisiting, or one that you rely on during masturbation or sex with a partner, it's also normal to have several fantasies in your sexual toolbox. Alys says, "Everyone is different! There are definitely some common fantasies (sex with a stranger or being dominated) but it’s natural that your fantasies will evolve — just like the rest of your sexual desires." It seems natural that your tastes in all things could evolve as you grow, experience life, and develop your personal preferences.
Think of your favorite fantasy as your comfort food — you know it's going to be delicious, it's reliable, and it's going to be satisfying. But every now and then you might really have a craving for something different, so having a few sexual fantasies that you rely on is completely natural. Alys says, "You may have a few go-to fantasies that turn you on no matter what, but it’s healthy (and exciting) to explore new ones over time."
So whether you stick to your favorite fantasy or one day find yourself creating a completely new sexy daydream, it's all a completely normal part of your sexual experience. We're drawn to what we like sometimes because we simply just really like something. I'm not saying I might suddenly decide one day that white wine is for the birds and become a die-hard red wine gal, but... you never know!