When I doodle, my sketch shape of choice is unfailingly a heart. On long phone calls, I put pen to paper and methodically scribble rows of hearts, filling some in entirely, while putting polka dots in others. However, come Valentine's Day, I stifle my heart-doodling impulses. Dramatic? Perhaps, but on Feb. 14, hearts are contrived, cheesier than gouda, and a hard pass for me. Figuring what to do on Valentine's Day when you're single is so onerous that I have settled on a heart-drawing boycott. (Zero points for imagination.)
Another standard encounter that never ceases to ruin my vision on V Day is that sweet, innocent, and completely normal behavior of couples holding hands. Yes, witnessing two mittens converge on a New York street gets my adrenaline pumping in an uncouth way. I promise I'm only a little bit bitter, and mostly happy for people who have found love. It's just that hand-holding on Valentine's Day just hurts my unattached feelings a little bit! (And yes, I would like some cheese with that whine.)
Despite knowing that it is an inconsequential day, I feel sad and lonely when no one holds my hand on the one day a year someone is supposed to be doing that. (Perhaps my Uber driver will throw me a bone, but that seems unsafe for driving.) Being single on Valentine's Day reminds me of not getting picked first in gym class. Or getting rejected from a college you didn't really want to go to anyways. It's silly, but my ego hurts, d*mn it! If you, too, have the ego of a toddler, here are some things that you can do this Valentine's Day to steer clear of couples, because they deserve to celebrate without your angsty stares.
1. Go To Yoga
That's right, go to a f*cking yoga class. "Tune out the noise," and calm your tush like every wellness podcast and friend who moved to LA ever told you to. True, there may be couples taking class together on V-Day, but they're boring. Pick a dark, candlelit, sweaty yoga studio and go pretend you're just working on your abs because your SO lives in California. WHATEVER!
2. Stay In With A Bottle Of Wine And ER On Hulu
Yes, ER, that doctor show your mom was obsessed with in the '90s featuring Clooney (at least for a bit) is newly on Hulu. Trust me, rousing medical emergencies and a big bottle of wine will take your mind off couples entirely. I started ER this weekend after many recommendations and I'm full-blown obsessed. Clooney can be my Valentine.
3. Get A Massage
Treat yourself and don't you dare complain to me that there might be couples there. Wear sunglasses. Blindfold yourself. Poke your eyeballs out, whatever. I believe that you can handle going to get a lavish rub-down in a private room where you might pass couples once in the hallway. What would Tom and Donna of Parks and Recreation do?
4. Go To The Library
Because literally no one else will be there. I live in New York, and I've never been inside the New York Public Library at Bryant Park. This is dumb, I should really go. Maybe I should go on Valentine's Day, and read a book about murder (or anything that is the opposite of romance) in a quiet stack somewhere. I might see a proposal, but whatever, Carrie got abandoned by Mr. Big on her wedding at the library too.
5. Go To Bed
If you're going to be a grump, be a grump in bed with yourself. Couples are allowed to celebrate their love, and you probably just really want a relationship with a mitten for you to hold onto, so admit that to yourself and tuck yourself in to catch up on Zzzs. February 15 is a great day to get back to swiping, anyways. HVD!
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