So as not to be confused with a mixologist, I'll start by sharing my favorite liquid that can be consumed: a margarita on the rocks with salt. Yes, with salt. Yes, even in winter. Yes, I'll take it frozen. Hashtag not a mixologist. In fact, I am so not a mixologist that I just had to Google "alcohol barista" to help me remember what you call fancy bartenders. I almost ordered a marg on a recent first date, but we were bowling. And really — what is a first date like if they order a margarita at a grungy bowling alley?
Well, I would say they are probably a little annoying, and a lot unaware of what bowling bartenders are actually good at making. (And that's why I ordered a Tito's soda instead.) Not to be dramatic, but the first date drink order is a big deal — it's the first impression you give a date beyond your hug/handshake/hairstyle/outfit choice.
Before you find out how many siblings your date has, or which episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark still gives them nightmares, they tell you what they are thirsty for. (In addition to you, of course.) You can write "beer lover" on your dating profile because some early aughts movie taught you that being a "guy's gal" was the cool thing to do, but what are you really going to order? What do you really want in your mouth on a first date? (See what I did there?)
Do you get the negroni, because, like, Aziz is always drinking them on Master of None and stuff? Or do you suckle an IPA, because your date got one and ladies is pimps, too? Is a martini too much to order on a first date? What if you forget what a "dry martini" is? FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, for sure. But also, what does your first date drink choice say about you? Here's what I think:
1. Gin Martini
Dry, right? You are a sophisticated grandpa and/or history professor who probably has excellent taste in furniture. You have at least one British relative, and are well-traveled. You appreciate the taste of alcohol, and don't need to drown your martini in olive juice. You're not "extra, extra dirty," you're "extra, extra sophisticated."
2. Mai Tai
A quality tiki drink is a strong first date choice. You are a person who knows how to have a good time, period. If offered a reality TV show, you'd jump at the chance. You're not afraid of looking a little cheesy with your pineapple-shaped mug, because you know what's inside is f*cking delicious. You're also good at sharing, because 8/10 times your date will ask for a sip of your drink, and copy your order on the second round. I definitely like you.
3. Mezcal, Neat
Hey babe, are you the most interesting person in the world though? Maybe. But in all likelihood, you're really great at fitness and eating healthy. Or your just venturing to your date's hipster neighborhood for the first time and trying to look cool. Either way, you're cool as sh*t. (Or trying to be.)
You're perhaps not that big into drinking, or want to keep things simple, so you decide to go with the red wine that everyone orders, a Malbec. There's no shame in this. Why try to be something that you're not? You also must not be one of the people who gets awful red wine teeth, and I'm jealous.
5. Draft Beer
You are fit to be the President of this country. You are not too high-brow or low-brow; you are just in-between. Of course, a Hefeweizen is a very different order than a Guinness, but if you're ordering a draft beer, you "get it." You're not necessarily trying to keep things casual with your date either. Maybe you just don't want to get too drunk, you know?
6. White Russian
Much like a Mai Tai order, you give zero f*cks and I love it. You're probably an avid Big Lebowski fan, and you don't care if your drink is dessert adjacent; it's what you want and you're going to have it. What's the use in disguising who you really are, anyway? If you're date is turned off by your order of creamy goodness, they're probably not for you.
Oh you fancy, huh? Bitters, rye, and an absinthe rinse? You are probably a little bit pretentious, but definitely smart. You're probably a foodie who likes super indie movies (sorry, films) and basement concerts. No shade, I love a cool date. You order truly adult beverages and probably frequent bars with interior design inspired by Wes Anderson movies.
8. Beer And Shot Special
You are a blast. You're also DTF. Good for you!
9. Vodka Soda
You're not afraid to fly your basic flag, and that's great. You are goal-oriented and like to get to the point. You don't need to fuss of an overly complicated drink order — you'd rather settle in and get to asking your date 20 questions. V important first question: Are they into dogs or cats?
You're gluten free, but you're not annoying about it. I commend you.
So there you have it, my fresh hot takes on what your drink order might say about you. I want to remind you all that this was in no way scientific, or even based on any expertise (remember my margarita-mania?). At the end of the day, my favorite dates are decisive, and always unafraid to order whatever it is that they actually want. After all, that's how we should all approach dating, anyway. Looking for what we actually want, not looking to become what someone else wants us to be. Plus, who doesn't love a tatted-up, bearded man drinking a glass of rosé?
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