The Right Time To Talk About Sex On Dates Can Vary, Experts Say
When you're on a great date and there’s plenty of chemistry, it can be natural for the conversation to take a spicy turn. At the same time, there might be a little voice in your head warning you that you’re heading into a danger zone because, frankly, you're not sure when it’s the right time to talk about sex on a date. Is it just when the conversation comes up naturally? Or should you wait until you’ve been dating for a while to delve into the discussion?
According to sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr, there’s no need to overcomplicate things. She says it’s time to talk about sex when and where it feels right. "A date can be a wonderful opportunity to talk about sex. You're in the same physical space. You're connecting and learning about each other. It can build intimacy. And it can be an incredible turn-on that ignites the spark between you," she tells Elite Daily. However, Fehr also cautions that it should be a conversion that happens organically. "It can turn a person off when it's done out of context and without sensitivity to the situation,” she says. “There are no rules about talking about sex on a date — but context is key." So, if you're ready to talk about sex with your date, here’s what the experts say to think about.
Consider The Context.
When you’re not sure whether or not the timing is right for a sexual conversation with your date, Fehr says there are a couple of key things to consider. For one, think about how well you know one another. “Is this your first date or have you already gotten to know each other? And even here, there are no fast rules. If sex is very important to you one way or another (having it or not), it'd be important to bring it up in the beginning and let your date know about your deal-breakers. For example, you could share that you want only casual sex or if you want to develop a relationship first,” she says. “Asking these questions up front helps you gauge what's important to you and them, and if you're on the same page. We avoid this awkward conversation, in the beginning, only to later learn that our expectations don't match the reality — leaving us confused, hurt and disappointed.”
Secondly, where the conversation’s taking place can also impact how it's received by your date. “Obviously, sex is a private matter, and most people are not comfortable talking about it in a public place — especially for the first time. Most people will feel cornered and, potentially, humiliated if you initiate the conversation where others might hear. It'd be wise to avoid bringing up sex if it can embarrass and humiliate the other person,” says Fehr.
What To Talk About.
Not all sexual conversions are created equal, so some are naturally more suitable on a date than others, says Fehr. For instance, if the topic’s coming up because you want to have sex as a part of the date, Fehr says it's appropriate and can even make the date more exciting. “Talking about it during the date could create the sparks you want for the follow-up. It can be a good opportunity to discuss what you want and like, or the things that would help you relax and enjoy it. It can be part of the foreplay,” she says. And if that’s what you have in mind, it's also important to talk about safe sex practices and birth control, she adds.
If you have specific desires and needs, then Lisa Concepcion, certified dating and relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Elite Daily that might also be something you want to discuss on your date. “If you're into certain things it's OK to be upfront,” says Concepcion. “Asking an open-ended question such as, ‘tell me what you're into sexually,’ is enough to get some telling feedback.” However, she suggests not coming on too strong initially, so that you can gauge their response. “When you focus too much on the sex it's very off-putting. Trust matters. No one wants to feel that they're prey,” says Concepcion
On the other end of the conversational spectrum, bringing up the fact that sex is not currently on offer is also something worthy of talking to your date about, says Fehr. “If you don't want sex, and just want to learn about each other, it's important to say that too, to set a certain expectation,” she explains.
Topics To Avoid.
While which conversations are appropriate to have on a date really depend on your connection, desire, and what feels right, there is a more hard and fast rule for a topic to avoid: Sex with your ex. Both experts agree that this is the one topic it's usually best to skip. “For most people, it will be confronting to hear these details because it invites comparison — and no one likes being compared to others. Avoid sharing details about how great your past partners were, and reframe what you want to share into what you enjoy and like,” says Fehr.
Whether or not to talk about sex on your date is ultimately up to you. It's just a matter of choosing when and where to have the conversation, pay attention to how it's being received, and proceed accordingly. “Talking about sex can be a very fun, intimate, and sexy way to connect to another person, especially on a date. We don't need to shy away from it. But again, context really matters,” concludes Fehr. So, if it feels right, you can for it. Your date could very well be on the same (sexy) page.
Lisa Concepcion, certified dating and relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching
Irene Fehr, sex and intimacy coach