All relationships have their ups and downs. No matter how much the passion is poppin' at the start, there are likely to be periods when you're simply just bored with your partner. Sorry, not sorry. It's not that you don't care about them or even that the relationship's failing, it's just that the initial excitement you once felt has given way to predictability. The good news is that it doesn't have to stay this way. "Relationships become boring when there's no mystery and excitement anymore," Cherlyn Chong, a dating and breakup recovery coach for professional women, tells Elite Daily. "You're not looking forward to anything, and what you have with your partner becomes so routine that it's predictable. Yes, it's fixable, but both parties need to commit to creating that spark again."
The first step to turning things around, as Julie Spira, an online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships, tells Elite Daily, is to take a close look at what is and isn't working in the relationship. "I recommend taking an inventory of what you did together during the last several weeks to see if the patterns are consistent," she says. "If so, it's time to think outside the box, so either you, or your partner who isn't feeling the spark, don't find yourselves doing the slow fade." Here's how the experts say you can mix things up and hit refresh on the romance.
Back when you first started dating, the excitement likely came easily because you were both putting in the effort. But just because you're all comfy and committed now, that doesn’t mean you can’t harken back to the old days and rekindle those feelings, says Spira. "Think about your first few dates and what initially attracted you to your partner, and become that person again. Reenact your first date, and go to the place you first met and have a celebratory toast,” she advises.
If your partner's the person you confide everything in, it can be easy to get into a rut of negativity and put a damper on the relationship, warns Spira. Her advice is to change the mood and vibe of your connection by making the effort to be more positive when you're together. “Every time a negative thought pops into your head, don't verbalize it with your partner, or you'll become a Debbie or Donnie Downer," she explains. "If you genuinely need your partner's help with a problem, rather than dumping your lousy day on them, let them know you need their help with someone that's challenging you right now.”
Along with avoiding falling into patterns of negativity, Spira suggests embracing the fun parts of being together. Don’t be afraid to be a little silly and even play together. “Everyone wants to be with someone who makes them smile,” she says, adding that flirting is also something that you should reincorporate into the relationship if it's fallen by the wayside. “By ramping up your flirting techniques, you can accomplish this by complimenting your partner on their sexy arms or their great new haircut,” Spira explains.
Intimacy can come more easily in the honeymoon period because everything's new and exciting. While you can’t have your first kiss again, that doesn’t mean you can't keep exploring in the bedroom, says Chong. “Watch some videos and try those positions out! Get some lingerie, toys, and maybe go out of your comfort zone a little… the possibilities are endless,” she suggests.
While it may sound contradictory, planning to be spontaneous can also help refresh the romance, as Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again, tells Elite Daily. “Have spontaneous sex! The more passion you can stir up the better,” she says.
It’s easy to take each other for granted in a secure and comfortable relationship. While it's great to have confidence that you'll always be there for one another, Spira warns that taking each other for granted is a very effective way to make a good relationship into a boring one. To combat this, she suggests practicing gratitude for your partner and expressing it. “Life has no guarantees, other than that it's filled with changes. Tell your partner how proud you are of them, how lucky you are to have each other, and how much you admire and cherish them. Flattery goes far,” she explains.
Much of what you get out of your relationship ultimately comes from what you put into it, explains Chong, which is why it's so important to keep things fresh. “Take it more seriously," she advises. “If you don't work on the relationship or marriage, the love that was once so fresh and exciting fades away, and you'll find yourself with a roommate, not a partner. Take time to maintain the relationship, keep that spark going, and your relationship will survive for many more happy years to come.”
Exerts cited:
Cherlyn Chong, a dating and breakup recovery coach for professional women
Diana Dorell intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again
Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships
