A Therapist Breaks Down What It Really Means If Your Ex & Your Friend Hook Up
Sometimes, people hook up with those in their inner circle. Occasionally, those hookups can lead to dating, breakups, and new pairings within that group. And overlaps between people can happen. If your friend hooks up with your ex, you may have feelings of anger, jealousy, and confusion. That's OK. You can feel betrayed by your friend for "going there" with an ex of yours or someone who may have hurt you in the past. Not only do you not want your friend to experience that pain, but also, you may be upset that they didn't consider your feelings.
Simply put, this is a complicated situation to navigate, and I don't blame you for not knowing how to handle it. I spoke with New York City relationship specialist Gregory Kushnick, and Doctor of Psychology and licensed clinical social worker Danielle Forshee about what to do if your friend hooks up with your ex.
If it's nagging you and you want to confront your friend, determine what you want to gain from the conversation before going right into it.
"Are you looking to tell them your feelings and to end a friendship?" Forshee asks. "Are you looking to gather information? Are you looking to put them down and make them feel bad? Are you looking to convince them that they did the wrong thing? You need to first consider what you are looking to get out of the conversation and if it will benefit you and help you accept and/or move on from the emotional hurt that you have."
Kushnick says that talking about it with your friend is really the way to go before resentment builds up. "Sharing your thoughts is important if your friend doesn't approach you soon after the hookup," he tells Elite Daily.
It, of course, matters a lot just how important your ex was to you, how meaningful the relationship was, and how things ended. If you and your ex were more of a casual thing, you probably won't mind that your friend is hooking up with them. But if it was a dated-for-years situation, that's another story.
Before you jump to conclusions, consider all possible options.
If your friend knows how much your ex meant to you, and wouldn't want you doing that to them, it could've been a careless, thoughtless mistake.
"It likely means that they have made a decision or engaged in a behavior that was impulsive," Forshee says. "Or that it was not impulsive, and that it was something they took into consideration and valued the romantic relationship more than the friendship."
If it was just a hookup, and your relationship with your ex was pretty serious, you need to figure out how to communicate your feelings to your friend. If it wasn't just a hookup, and they begin dating, consider trying to move past your feelings of discomfort for the sake of your friend's happiness.
"There is always a small chance that your friend and your ex were meant to live happily ever after together," Kushnick says. "This situation can only be verified in hindsight. If this turns out to be the case, then maybe you can strive to forgive and actually root for them to succeed."
Only you know the details surrounding your relationship with your ex and can determine how to proceed. Keep in mind that we can't always control our feelings, but we can be respectful. So remember that — and demand the respect that you think you deserve.
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