If You Have Relationship Anxiety, It Might Be Because Your Ex Said These 4 Things To You
Breakups are never easy, but they can be even more harmful to your emotional wellbeing if your ex belittled you or undermined your self-esteem. These aren't just mean comments — this is cruel treatment that can have long-term psychological effects. No matter how much time has passed since your breakup, if you have relationship anxiety in the present, it could be because of hurtful things an ex said to you in the past. Although it can be tempting to brush the past under the rug, it may be time to acknowledge the hurt caused by your ex if you realize that their treatment is still affecting how you view yourself, or your relationships with others.
According to prominent L.A.-based relationship therapist Dr. Gary Brown, having anxiety about future relationships is more common than people think. "It's completely normal for many people to feel not only grief after a breakup, but also to experience some anxiety about their future in another long-term relationship," Dr. Brown tells Elite Daily. "Much of how you respond will depend upon the nature and quality of your last relationship, as well as how the relationship ended." So, if your ex put you down during your relationship or while breaking up, it makes sense for you to feel shaken, long-term. Here are some examples of comments that could be to blame and how to let go of the toxicity they left behind.
1. "I Never Really Loved You."
Finding out that the person you loved didn't feel the same way about you can be devastating. "If you felt like your love was unrequited, then that can also produce some anxiety related to your own self-esteem," explains Dr. Brown. "It could also be anxiety provoking if you're doubting your own lovability in general." However, it's important to know that one person's feelings are not a reflection of who you are. Remember that!
2. "You Were Just A Placeholder Until I Could Find Someone Better"
No one wants to feel like a backup plan, especially not with someone they were in a relationship with. "This might be a particular problem if you've had a series of [breakups] that ended with you wondering if you're meant to be in a relationship at all," says Dr. Brown.
If you find yourself questioning your desirability, re-examining what went wrong could bring you some much-needed closure. "I strongly suggest doing a deep dive into what did and didn't work for you in your last relationship," recommends Dr. Brown. "You may come to the realization that you're a good person and your anxiety may be more related to the fact that your ex didn't truly appreciate you."
3. "You Were Bad In Bed"
Oftentimes, the difference between healthy and toxic communication isn't what you say, but how you say it. Naturally, intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship, and being honest about satisfaction in the bedroom is key to a sustainable dynamic. However, there's a big difference between being made to feel bad about yourself in the bedroom, and being lovingly encouraged by your partner to make adjustments. If the former was true in your relationship, and your partner was hostile about your bedroom techniques, then you're better off without them. But if the latter is more accurate, and instead, your partner was communicative about what made them feel good in bed, then consider it a learning experience.
4. "No One Is Going To Want To Be With You"
We all have our shortcomings, but that's definitely not an excuse for someone to label you undatable. That said, if your ex brought up valid issues about your character or actions, it may be worth digging deeper. "If your ex had some legitimate complaints and concerns about their relationship with you, then it could be time to reflect and face what your part was in the relationship that led to its end," explains Dr. Brown.
When a current partner or an ex say hurtful things, our gut reaction may be to completely shut down. Fear and insecurities can still be the end result. Ultimately, once you've honestly analyzed whether or not there's anything helpful to be gleaned from remarks made by an ex, you owe it to yourself to move on. You are your own person, and cruel comments are usually a reflection of the person who said them, not of you. So, try not to let someone else's negativity impact your future, and look at it as a lesson to be learned: You don't have space in your life for negativity. Thank u, next.