We've all been there. You're expecting your period to arrive at a certain time, a certain date. You sit patiently waiting- bloated, sore, crampy and cranky, when The Crimson Tide has the nerve to stand you up. It's a tragedy, but how each zodiac sign reacts when their period is late is a funny look into the terrible experience that is waiting for the monthly bloodbath, aka, your menses.
Call it what you wanna call it: your "Moon Cycle," "Aunt Flo," "The Rag," or The Red Badge of Courage; your period is simultaneously the shedding of your uterine lining and a pain in your ass. It's a lot like having a personal assistant; you might not enjoy hanging with them, or even like their personality, but that doesn't mean you don't depend on that motherf*cker to show up on time. It's complicated. All Hell breaks loose when they're late!
The ways we react to the multitudinous fears that arise when the menstrual cycle throws us for a loop depends on a lot. But the zodiac can make the unpredictable predictable, and that's what we love about it. So without making you wait like your menstrual cycle (rude), here's how you react to a late period, based on your zodiac sign. Hope it lightens the mood.
Aries: Calls Everyone They've Ever Had Sex With Crying, "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
That's all long before they've actually taken a pregnancy test, by the way. And long before this particular period would qualify as a "missed" period. Aries are ruled by Mars, the warrior planet. Just know if you screw up and the condom breaks, they'll be back to break both your arms.
Taurus: "It's Fine, If I Eat Enough Fried Food, Something's Gotta Give"
A late period is the perfect excuse for Venus-ruled Taurus to lean into the sensual delight of a giant plate of onion rings. Any excuse they can find to eat something boiled in oil is good enough for them; not to mention, that shit sometimes works.
Gemini: Panics But Thinks, "At Least If I'm Pregnant I'll Have Someone To Talk To"
Gemini is the sign of the twins, meaning they have two distinct personalities and can see both sides of any situation. Sure, being pregnant would suck, but at least they could actually force someone to listen when they're reading the latest celebrity gossip mag cover-to-cover.
Cancer: Floods Their Home With Tears
Cancers seem hormonal on a regular day, so let's consider that for a second. Throw some actual hormones in the mix, plus the stress of a late period, and you're gonna see some broken-pipe level water works. They might even cry so hard they give themselves their period. I mean I don't know I'm not a doctor. I believe in astrology, for crying out loud.
Leo: Starts Shopping For "Solid Gold Cribs" On Amazon
Leo is ruled by the Sun and is a sign that lives in the fifth house of fun, children, and imagination. They believe they are God's gift to the human race, and a late period is just a sign they might have been chosen to build their dynasty. If the time is now, so be it.
Virgo: Flips All The Way Through Period Tracker They Started As A Teen While Silently Panicking
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, and they are sticklers for daily routine. They've logged every period since the first sign of spotting, so if there's any disruption to their body's regularly scheduled program, they'll be flipping out like a News producer behind the glass, shouting at their uterus, "GO TO COMMERCIAL!"
Libra: Thinks, "Now Is The Perfect Time To Find Out If He's Husband Material"
Leave it to a Libra to turn a crisis into an intimate opportunity. Sure, a late period could make anyone else panic, but this Venus ruled love addict will use it for what they do best: getting their man to put a ring on it or GTFO.
Scorpio: Asks Everyone They F*cked For Planned Parenthood Money Then Donates It All To Fund Women's Health.
Scorpio is a sign that goes for the long con. It's not that they won't be freaking out about a late period; it's that they know how to transform that chaotic energy to rise from the ashes like the phoenix they are, and to donate their profits like a Robin Hood for the clitoris. They're criminals, sure, but they use their power for good. Who cares if they skim a little off the top?
Sagittarius: Books A Plane Ticket To Escape Their Anxiety
Sagittarius won't stick around for long if a situation is bumming them out. They're optimistic to the point of escapism. The problem is, you can't book a plane ticket to another persons uterus. Good thing the altitude in a plane can bring on the flow like a winged miracle.
Capricorn: Handles It. Waits It Out. Like A Goddamn Adult.
Capricorn is the one sign that knows about common sense. A late period is no more reason to panic than a late train. It's as common a fact of life as a fart. Sometimes your period is late. It's a bummer. Good thing every aspect of your life is handled responsibly and you know there's not a chance in hell you're pregnant — and if you are, it's all part of your 10-year plan.
Aquarius: Runs around screaming, "THERE IS AN ALIEN LIFE FORM INSIDE ME!!"
Aquarius is a weirdo. It's as if this Uranus ruled sign walked through the portal of some other dimension in human form, and they react to everything their human body does with all the wonder of Lil' Dicky in "Freaky Friday." Whether or not they're pregnant, they're excited to find out what happens next.
Pisces: Blames It On Something They Ate Until They Go Into Labor
Pisces is the sign most likely to delude themselves into believing they're not pregnant in order to avoid the doctor's office. Six months later they'll be guzzling water and blaming it on "sodium bloat." The benefit is they can convince themselves of pretty much anything, including massive monetary success.