Dating today is filled with question marks, unspoken rules, and just a general sense of mystery. We're all tasked with balancing definitive interest with that hard-to-get chase, ensuring that our love interests know we're into them, but not, like, too into them. But then — maybe eight or nine or a million dates in — the question of, "Wait, what are we?" starts floating around in your mind. Inevitably, you start to wonder whether it's time to call off that cat-and-mouse game or maintain a chill façade — I mean, how long should you wait to define the relationship?
It's a question I've asked myself on a number of occasions, first as a dazed and confused teenager, and then as an even-more-confused adult (or whatever it is that I am). My last "Facebook-official" boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half, but had spent the better part of a year hanging out and making out before deciding to take on official labels (I was feeling very 500 Days of Summer at the time). And yet, five years later, here I sit — a mere four dates in with a new fellow — twiddling my thumbs and wondering whether or not he deleted his dating apps as swiftly as I did after our second rendezvous.
In other words, I have no idea when or how it makes sense to take that step and ~DTR~ with a new partner, which is why I turned to the experts (as well as some real women who have tackled this question themselves). And, after chatting with six ladies and a couple of professionals, I think the greatest takeaway here is that, well, it totally depends. There's no set timeline, nor a standard relationship yard stick, to let you know what's right at what times — you've just got to trust your gut (and your SO) and go at a pace that works for you two.
"There isn't a perfect way to do it," says Nicole Richardson, licensed marriage and family therapist. "There isn't a certain number of time or dates or milestones. It's when your partner is showing up the way you need them to to feel safe."
With that in mind, here's how six women knew it was time to define their own relationships — some after just a few short dates, others months in.
Whether you're jumping in or taking things slow, it's important to remember that the key to a solid, fulfilling relationship doesn't lie in how quickly you knew someone was the person you wanted to be with. It lies in recognizing that a potential partner really can (and will) give you what you need.
"The number one thing I wish people would do is really listen to what's happening and what [their partner] is saying, not hearing what they want to hear," says Richardson. "A lot of times, we hear what we want to hear and we see what we want to see, and that's when we get hurt."
Way easier said than done, right?
"I have found that in couples where one [person] is waiting and waiting for the other to bring up 'the talk,' it is likely never going to happen," adds Lori Salkin, dating coach and senior matchmaker at SawYouAtSinai.com "If you get to a reasonable point in time in a relationship (not three dates in) where you feel you are ready [to be] committed and ready to define the relationship and ... your boyfriend or girlfriend is not acting on the hints ... it [is] likely never going to happen."
It's a lesson that these women (and, like, everyone in the dating world) had to learn the hard way at one point.
I hooked up with a girl at a party once and was pretty instantly in love with her, but she was not looking for a relationship. She'd just recently started dating women and still wanted to explore, which makes total sense, but I kept telling myself that I could make her fall for me. We hooked up for probably four or five months before I had to just step back and say, 'Hey, I can't do this anymore. I need more than just late-night texts.' But she just didn't want the same thing. That took forever to get over because I was mourning something that never really existed. Meh.
—Taylor*, 27
I'd been seeing this guy for almost six months. He'd met my friends, I'd met his. We went to concerts and brunch and did, like, couple sh*t together. I didn't really feel the need to put a label on anything because I was just enjoying hanging out with him, and I'd always sort of assumed we were exclusive. It wasn't until we ran into some of his coworkers one night and he introduced me as a 'friend' that I started to feel kind of insecure about it, and then I found out that he'd been seeing and sleeping with other girls the whole time, which really sucked. I think it said more about his character than mine in the end, but I wish we'd had that conversation after maybe three months. I felt so blindsided and hurt in the end, and I could have avoided that if I'd just had one awkward convo.
—Heather*, 24
At the end of the day, don't worry about how many dates you've been on or milestones you've reached. Just focus on finding a relationship that feels safe and satisfying (and exciting!) for you, and you'll be golden.
*Names have been changed. Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity.
This post was originally published on June 11, 2018. It was updated on Aug. 19, 2019 by Elite Daily Staff.