Being "Chill" About Dating Doesn't Work, & Here’s Why

How many times have you heard some variation of dating advice that basically amounts to “play it cool"? I'm guessing a lot. It might be effective sometimes, (after all, if you've ever had someone come on too strong, you know how uncomfortable that can feel) but conversely, there is also such a thing as being too easy-breezy. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but there are plenty of reasons being “chill” about relationships doesn’t work. As Diana Dorell, an intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again tells Elite Daily, they all come down to making it harder to get the kind of relationship you really want and deserve.

“There is a lot of fear… of appearing too eager or desperate for expressing feelings, so the pressure to chill is there,” says Dorell. “Being chill on the positive side can been seen as relaxing into the moment, which can be helpful, but it can also indicate a sort of spiritual bypass, like a ‘whatever happens’ attitude that can derail dating." Here are the biggest reasons being too chill in your dating game can set you up for heartbreak, because at the end of the day, honesty is the best policy.

You Give Up Agency In The Relationship
Alejandro Moreno De Carlos/Stocksy

Have you heard the expression, “Closed mouths don’t get fed”? It means that if you don’t speak up about what you want, you’re probably not going to get it. That can definitely apply to dating, Dorell says. “[When you are too chill] you are at the mercy of the other person and circumstances, versus taking personal responsibility for your experience,” she explains.

Laurel House, celebrity dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast, agrees. “The problem is that in an attempt to please others, you have lowered your standards when it comes to what you deserve,” she tells Elite Daily.

You May Not Be Treated The Way You Deserve

Another risk of being too chill is the possibility of missing important signs that the person you're dating probably isn't right for you, warns Dorell. “Ask yourself if you are holding back and accepting certain behaviors that really warrant a red flag in the name of being ‘chill,’ like someone being an hour late to a date without communicating why." If the answer is yes, then don't just ignore them for the sake of being chill, she advises.

It Can Make Dating Even More Frustrating
Javier Díez/Stocksy

Being too chill can actually backfire and make dating even more difficult, says House. “When ‘selflessly’ trying to please others, you are also showing yourself as someone who doesn't deserve to be pleased,” she explains. “There’s nothing to work for. And people place a greater value on things that they have to work for. That doesn’t mean that you have to play games. That simply means that you need to have needs, voice your needs, and have integrity to your needs. It doesn’t always have to be about what they want. Sometimes it can and should be about you too.”

Dorell adds that by not being clear about what you want from a relationship, you may be setting up any relationship that comes out of it to fail. “Not speaking up or setting healthy expectations and boundaries sets you up for more frustration that will only build moving forward,” she concludes.

The takeaway here is that it's all about finding a balance between not being too over-eager without giving up all your agency at the same time. Remember: You have every right to pursue the kind of relationship dynamic that feels best to you. Sure, there's a risk that some people might be put off by you being more open about what you want, but that’s probably a sign they aren’t the right fit for you anyway. At the end of the day, that’s actually a positive thing, and just one more reason to be honest about what you need and who you are.