Hello, are you doing well today? I apologize if you are, because I'm about to rain on your parade. A full-on downpour, if I'm being honest. The world rejoiced when it was reported that Chris Evans and Jenny Slate were getting back together back in late 2017, because, quite frankly, these are two adorable humans that we love and cherish. So now, I will ruin everything and tell you that Chris Evans and Jenny Slate broke up again, because love is a lie and everything is terrible.
See? I told you it was a downpour.
When they broke up the first time, after less than a year of dating, it hurt. It hurt bad.
Back in February of 2017, a source told Us Weekly that "It was completely amicable and a mutual decision due to conflicting schedules and they remain very close friends."
OK, so I cried a bucket of tears when this was announced, especially because they were just so sweet together and it was clear that they had a lot of love between them.
After walking the red carpet together in 2016, Jenny Slate gushed about Evans in an interview with Entertainment Tonight, saying that she feels like she got her "dream 7th grade boyfriend":
I haven’t really had a large premiere before, so it’s nice to have someone who knows how it goes. It’s kind of like I got my dream 7th grade boyfriend. We didn’t know each other growing up, but we grew up about a half hour away from each other. We’ve been friends for a while.
THEY WERE SO CUTE TOGETHER, PEOPLE. So that breakup was difficult on many, many levels.
Following their split, the two stayed amicable, and in an interview with Vulture, Slate opened up about her relationship with Evans and showed her undeniable love for him despite their separation:
What’s the same about us is not just that we’re from Massachusetts, which was such a delight, but Chris is truly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, to the point where sometimes I would look at him and it would kind of break my heart ... He’s really vulnerable, and he’s really straightforward. He’s like primary colors. He has beautiful, big, strong emotions, and he’s really sure of them. It’s just wonderful to be around. His heart is probably golden-colored, if you could paint it.
WHY DID THEY EVER BREAK UP IN THE FIRST PLACE?
But! The clouds parted and the heavens opened up in November when the world found out that Chris Evans and Jenny Slate were reportedly dating once more, after being spotted grabbing dinner together in Atlanta. While it might not seem like a dinner equals dating, their ~flirty~ Twitter exchanges totally revealed otherwise:
YAS, you two! Hope restored.
I hate to do this — really, I do — but this post isn't about Chris Evans and Jenny Slate staying together. It's about them breaking up, because we can't have nice things.
In Chris Evans' interview with the New York Times, it was revealed that their on-again, off-again relationship had "recently ended," but Evans told the magazine that it was because of his relationship with Slate that he learned to become a better ally for women in Hollywood. He said,
The hardest thing to reconcile is that just because you have good intentions, doesn’t mean it’s your time to have a voice.
So now, not only do they clearly love each other, but they are giving each other important life lessons. AND THEY STILL BROKE UP?
That's it. I'm done. Count me out. I'm going home.
If you need me, I'll be at home, drinking wine and asking myself why true love is dead.