I confess, I'm totally guilty of occasionally creeping on my partner’s social media. Listen, I'm a naturally nosey person! And there is so much you can learn about someone just by combing through their social media, including red flags on your partner’s Facebook that may signal your relationship is in for some trouble. Of course, I can't resist the occasional deep-dive! Some people might think that's strange, but I'm not talking about hacking anyone’s account — just taking a closer look on their page and their activity. My motto is that if it's public, it's fair game. So, what am I looking for? Patterns.
We've all posted the occasional vague update, but what you really want to keep an eye on (both online and IRL) are repeated behaviors that may indicate they aren't taking the relationship seriously, or that they're keeping one foot out the door. But I’m just an amateur online sleuth, so I contacted experts to help break down what common Facebook behaviors are actually hints that there are problems in your relationship. Remember: Even if one of the below red flags really bothers you, try to avoid jumping to conclusions. Instead, if you notice a pattern that doesn't sit well with you, talk to your partner about it first to see if you can get a bit more clarity.
Have you been together exclusively for a while, and they haven't made it Facebook official or accepted your relationship status tag? Damona Hoffman, host of the Dates & Mates Podcast, says that may be a sign that they have something to hide. "This is the modern day version of ‘getting pinned,'" she tells Elite Daily. "It's how you let the world know that you've been claimed and someone else claims you. If the status isn't changing, there is usually a reason they are keeping it secret."
However, it's 2018, and believe it or not, Facebook isn't everyone's go-to form of social media anymore. That being said, don't use this red flag alone as an indicator that your partner doesn't value the relationship. If a relationship status on Facebook is something that matters a lot to you, have a conversation with your partner about it and let them know. If they're not willing to see things from your point of view, then that's a bigger cause for concern.
It's also important to note that there are also several other social media platforms where your SO might be posting pictures with you in them. Before freaking out that you're not Facebook Official, look at their other profiles and see if you're featured anywhere there!
Personally, I’m not a tagger. I find that, usually, if someone tags me in a picture, it's not my favorite. That being said, I also don’t tag others, so my pattern is consistent, and that's what you want to look out for, according to Hoffman. What is their general tagging behavior like, and is it different with you? "Some people are just not 'taggers,'" she says, "but if you see that they are doing it on other pictures, but not on yours, you have a problem."
And it's not just their tagging behavior to keep an eye on. Hoffman says that if you're concerned there may be some extracurricular activity going on, you also might want to "watch the notifications closely. If you see your boo is tagged in a suspicious-looking photo, that's bad. If you see that they untag themselves, they might have something to hide."
When you're in a relationship, you inevitably become friendly with each other's friends. You spend time together and develop friendships of your own, and naturally, that reflects in your list of Facebook friends. Hoffman warns that if for some reason your partner isn't adding your friends, it could be intentional. "More connections means more entanglements to undo," says Hoffman. "If someone is keeping their distance from your friends, they may not be planning on being integrated too deeply into your life or they could be looking for a fast getaway."
We all love a good meme, right? Honestly, most of the time I spend on social media is liking funny memes people post to my wall or paying it forward. So, if someone were to creep on my Facebook wall, they'd probably think, "Wow, she really loves snarky feminists and sleepy cats," — and they would be 100 percent correct in that deduction. The same goes for what you can learn about your partner’s state of mind based on their meme activity. "Memes someone finds funny are sometimes a window into the soul," says Hoffman. "Even if they don't post about the single life, if they are liking or commenting on others' posts that will tell you where their head is at."
When it comes to online interactions, a lot can be lost in translation — which is why we have emojis. So, if your boo’s comments are suddenly littered with cutesy flirty emojis, it's time to take a closer look. That's because, "emojis always tell the true story," says Hoffman. "Winky face, heart eyes, and single or double hearts are all trouble if they are coming from someone you're not in a relationship with or your bestie." And if I see a peach or eggplant, you can bet my partner and I are having a serious conversation.
One major red flag that there are problems in your relationship, says dating coach John Keegan of The Awakened Lifestyle, is whom your partner is spending a lot of time interacting with on social media. For example, "if they are liking a lot of ‘sexy pics’ or commenting on lots of new attractive women," Keegan says, it may be a sign they are not as committed or satisfied in the relationship as you thought. Or if they are reconnecting with an ex, he says it may be a clue "that they are feeling distant."
None of the above are great signs about your relationship, but according to Keegan, the biggest sign that there's a problem is actually your behavior. "Really, your first clue something is wrong is that you have to look at all," he says. "For some reason, you are feeling insecure in the relationship. It's important to trust your intuition and communicate in a healthy way with your partner. If it still doesn't feel right, move on." He continues that a relationship in which you have to "play detective" isn't really worth it.
OK, now that you're good and paranoid, let me leave you with one last bit of advice from dating coach Erika Ettin. According to her, you should stop being suspicious and really consider who your partner is, as some of these behaviors may not mean anything at all. “Maybe your new significant other isn't posting lovey-dovey pics of the two of you,” she says. “Maybe he or she has no interest in tagging you. Could this mean that your relationship is doomed... or just that social media isn't a primary way he or she wants to share things about you?"
Instead of going into full panic mode, Ettin suggests taking a moment to reflect on who your partner is and how they express themselves. Then, she says to do something really wild. “Talk about it," she says.
Hmm. Makes sense. "If you have a concern, ask," she adds. "For example, I'd never change my relationship status on Facebook because I don't think it's anyone's business. Does that mean I don't love the person I'm seeing? Of course not. The most important thing to look at is how the relationship is in real life, without the added pressure of social media."
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