6 Not-So-Great Spring Break Hookup Stories That Will Make You Cringe

Ah, spring break. Five to seven days out of the year when college students across the continental United States all make their way to the beach. Here (read: Florida, usually), they drink to excess, eat nothing but the salt from the rims of their margaritas, and make out with random strangers. The result? The absolute best (or worst, depending on your sense of humor) spring break hookup stories of all time.

No, I'm not judging. I'm actually kind of jealous. I wish I had a few of these stories to add to my memoir, but alas, my college days are behind me. Instead, I'll just have to live vicariously through Selena Gomez and the gang in Spring Breakers. Naturally, I assume everyone who goes away for spring break parties so hard they get arrested and spend the night in a county jail before being bailed out by a drug-dealing rapper with whom they later start a polyamorous relationship. Seems legit.

Unsurprisingly, though, I've been told this is a bit of an exaggeration. Spring break gets wild, but it's nothing to write home about. Faith (played by Selena Gomez in the movie), I'm looking at you. I'm willing to bet these six Redditors weren't too eager to call Grandma and fill her in on these hookup nightmares. So. Much. Cringe.

Seriously, some of these stories make want to go...

But also...

What do cats, soda, and Jesus have in common? Well, you're about to find out.

Heading To New Orleans For Spring Break? This Could Be You.

I met a really hot couple on Bourbon St. and they took me home to their beautiful little cottage and we f*cked around a little then they got into some stupid argument that was kind of about me and kind of about feeding the cat. I actually wound up becoming pretty good friends with them and working for one of them.


I Love When People Give Me Cute Nicknames! How About You?

Was a rebound after a serious relationship ended. Everything about it was awful. She was a terrible kisser, despite having big breasts they were the opposite of firm and were not enjoyable to touch, she didn't communicate at all during sex, and I've never had to try so hard to finish in my life. I nicknamed her Flat Soda because I was so thirsty and she was not good, but I drank her anyway. One of my friends still won't let me live that down.


I Don't Think This Is What People Mean When They Say It's A Match Made In Heaven.

I was dressed as jesus, girl dressed as a chicken. She came up to me and asked to f*ck jesus. She did.


I Hate When My Chipotle Order Gets Messed Up, Too.

While making out, he transferred (unknowingly I think) some rice into my mouth. Where that rice came from, I have no idea.


Nothing Says Spring Break Like A Rave And A Train Ride Home. But Maybe Take An Uber To The Train Station?

Ooh at first I was like I don't remember if I have any...and then it came back to me. Way back in college, I met this guy at a rave. We went to his house, hooked up. And then he was like let's go get some breakfast. So we get in his car and then stop at a bodega, and he gives me $5 and asked me to run in and get him some cigarettes. I came out with the cigarettes to see my bag on the curb, luckily next to a subway station. I found my friend on the same train back to our college town and we got high and laughed and listened to Sweet Jane as we fell asleep so it ended ok.


Two Things. Firstly, What A Meet-Cute! Secondly, And More Importantly, This Sounds Like A Lot Of Bodily Fluids To Handle In One Night.

On a weekend trip to another town with my friends, we decided to hit the town after drinking quite heavily including watermelon mixed with vodka. Sometime during the night out I felt sick, and went outside to vomit. Having done so, I looked up at a quite cute redhead. We started talking, and drunk as I was I asked if she was into anal. She said yes! And we decided to meet across the street afterwards. I did NOT expect to see her standing there when the bar closed, but she did, and we ended up at her place, f*cking like crazy the whole night. I still don't know her name or remember where she lived, but it sure was a great f*ck.


Well, then. Will your spring break hookup stories top these?

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