My love life is basically a loop of, "Oh my GOSH, I'm in love!" and, "I hate all men," over and over and over again. I develop crushes with unparalleled ease, and tend to fall out of them just as quickly (well, most of the time). I'm so prone to crushing on others, in fact, that I tend to rapid cycle through the phases of a crush — whipping through each step without even realizing, the same way you might drive home from work and, upon arrival, think, "Wait, I don't even remember how I got here."
Truth be told, as I sit here and type, my mind is cartwheeling through the details of my most recent date. Because — what do 'ya know! — I've got a crush once again. I'd say I'm a solid Phase Two right about now. Something to which, like, every one of the contacts in my phone will can happily attest.
And, if you're also a human with a beating heart, you'll probably look at these six phases of developing a crush and nod along. Because who are we kidding, we've all been there — through the inevitable ups and downs that come with crushing on a new guy or gal.
Without further adieu, here's a look at the six stages we all go through when we've got a new crush (whether we'd like to admit it or not).
Stage one can hit you at any given moment: The moment you lock eyes at a party, the second you unearth your shared appreciation for dogs in bags on the subway. But something about this person — whether it's their bright blue eyes or your similarly quirky interests — rings an alarm in your mind. Your stomach does a little flip, your eyes light up, and there you are: On your way to Crush City, USA, baby!
I'm not sure whether this is the best or worst part about having a crush, but for a hot second in stage two, you are filled with a joint sense of unadulterated bliss and pure giddiness.
The magic of crushes is that they happen early on, before you're fully aware of a person's character flaws or questionable obsession with the Royal Family (oh, whoops, wait that's me). The point is, shortly after your Crush has piqued your interest, you immediately decide that they are a perfect cherub and even the mention of their name is enough to bring a blush to your cheeks.
Now, we can all sit around, pretending we don't Google the f*ck out of our crush's names. But, let's be real, during stage three, we all Google the f*ck out of our crush's names. This is the research stage — we're interested, we're giddy, and we're dying to know everything there is to about our new crush. From the contents of their Facebook profile in 2008 to the way your mutual friends describe their personality, at this point in the crush's development, you're down to soak up information about them like a sponge.
Now, there's a chance that somewhere between stages two and four you'll slip into denial — insisting that you just think your crush is "kind of cute," or claiming they're "nice, but not really your type."
TBH, I generally bypass that phase entirely and jump straight into stage four: Total obsession.
Do you think our children will get his eye color, or mine? Will he be cool if we send them to public school?
What? These are important and totally normal questions to ask, you guys.
UGH, stage five is the worst. You're going about your intensely infatuated crush business and then, out-of-the-blue, disappointment starts to creep in.
This disappointment can come in any number of forms, from learning that your crush has their sights set on someone else to a series of unanswered texts to finding out that they don't care about Westworld. But when it hits, it's like a punch in the gut: Your seemingly perfect match is no longer so perfect. From here, you're faced with a fork in the road. Do you brush them off and move on? Insist that this teensy, tiny flaw isn't so bad after all? That is the question, my friends...
... Which brings us to the final stage, Acceptance. Whether you make peace with the fact that your crush is not, in fact, flawless or decide to move on and return to your past life of flirting with coffee shop barristos, this is where your infatuation journey comes to an end.
Well, either it comes to an end, or you spend the next several years of your life daydreaming about your crush, Ross Geller-style.
TBD, fellow crushers. TBD.
