Just some news for you, hot off the press: Breaking up isn't fun. Sometimes, moving on feels next to impossible. And I never know what questions to ask during a breakup to get the clarification I need to truly move on. But with time, I've realized that it's being emotionally vulnerable and explicit with my feelings that gives me the closure I need to move on with my life. However, vulnerability is scary.
Have you ever had a breakup that seemed to last longer than the relationship itself, just because you can't seem to get over it? It's the worst. I once dated a guy for, like, three weeks, and it took six months for me to stop caring about him. After we broke up, we continued to talk and hang out, and we'd hook up sometimes, so I never got any closure. It felt like we were still dating, and frankly, we were getting along better than when we actually were dating. If you don't know where you stand with an ex, like me in this case, then it can seem impossible to stand firmly in your present — without your mind completely wrapped around your past.
But there are ways to get over this phenomenon, and that's by actually having a good breakup. So while you might not be an expert at good relationships, you can at least be an expert at good breakups in the meantime.
Here are questions to ask during a breakup so you actually get the closure you need and deserve. Because that's the most important thing you need in order to move on.
1. Why Do You Want To Break Up?
If you don't know why your relationship ended, it can be hard to come to grips with the fact that it's over. My last boyfriend broke up with me because he thought things felt "weird." What the hell does "weird" mean? Needless to say, I was caught off guard. One day, everything was fine; the next day, he "felt weird." He couldn't even pinpoint a specific event or personality trait I had that led him to wanting to break up.
Sometimes, it helps to find out exactly why your partner wants to end things, not only so you can heal any bad relationship behaviors you might have, but so that you can really come to grips on why things are over. Remember, when it comes to closure, it's unanswered questions that leave things open.
2. Do You See Us Getting Back Together?
I always need to know if the relationship is truly over in order to get closure. Otherwise, I leave a key under the mat to my heart, waiting for my ex to come back one day and reopen the door to our relationship. Every time I go through a breakup, I always kind of assume that we'll end up getting back together. My hopes are that it's temporary, and that we just need some space to miss one another. However, this kind of thinking can prevent you from moving on.
This can also be especially difficult if you're still talking or hanging out after a breakup, and the lines of your relationship get blurred. So it's important to ask for clarification and set a clear boundary. Ask your ex if they have any intentions of ever getting back together or rekindling the relationship. If you feel the same way, you'll know whether you're dealing with a break or a breakup.
3. Can You Clarify The Feelings You Still Have For Me?
During breakups, I'm always convinced my ex still loves me. He's breaking up with me because he likes me too much! That has to be it, right?
Unfortunately, that's not rational thinking. So during your breakup, ask your partner to clarify the feelings (or lack of feelings) that they have for you. That way, you won't make any assumptions about their emotions, and you can use this closure to guide your own feelings.
4. Are We Still Going To Talk?
It's important to lay out this boundary when you break up so that neither you nor your ex feels led on after a breakup. There are some exes I feel fine keeping in touch with, but with others, I need a healthy dose of space. And of course, there are some I think I can really never talk to again.
So clarify what kind of relationship you're going to have with your ex, because it will help you get closure. By doing this, you won't be waiting by the phone, hoping that they'll text you, when maybe they're the type of person who isn't equipped to be friends with people they've dated.
5. Are We On Good Terms?
I always like to know where I stand with my exes. If we see one another in public, are we going to say hi, or do we just ignore one another? Personally, I think it's important for exes to be cordial with one another. You don't want to hold on to bitterness or resentment, as that only holds you back in life and doesn't hurt anyone but yourself.
To get an idea of how you'll both act after the breakup, clarify the nature of your relationship with your partner so you can both be emotionally happy and healthy moving forward. Because if you were unhappy in your relationship so much so that you had to breakup, you don't want to be unhappy in your breakup, too.
In order to move on from a relationship, you need closure. And to get closure, you have to be explicit and honest about your feelings with your partner. The truth can be very healing. So while it can be uncomfortable, ask those questions that you need answers to. It's the best way to finally move on from your past.
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