Moving in together can be a big, exciting step in any relationship. It's both a declaration that you want to share your lives with one another, and a test to determine if the two of you really are a good fit. And while moving in together can be something to look forward to, it can also come with some serious low-key stress. That being said, having an idea of how some of the common issues after moving in with a partner can affect your relationship might be able to help you make sure you're able to work through them.
If you're already living with someone, chances are you've already discovered how easy it is to annoy each other. But don't worry, Lisa Concepcion, certified dating and relationship expert and founder of LoveQuest Coaching, tells Elite Daily it's totally normal. "This is not only common, but to be expected. Even if you've gone on vacation together or spent weekends at each other's homes, there's something different about actually living together. We see everything about the person, all of their idiosyncrasies," says Concepcion.
Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples' therapist in Los Angeles, agrees. "When people move in together, any number of scenarios may present in ways that are annoying," he tells Elite Daily. "This is true and common, even in the very best of relationships. Assuming that you are living together with the idea that you both may want to explore a long-term relationship, it is important to learn ways to deal with the inevitable differences and conflicts that you will encounter. It is important to understand that a partner can get on your nerves and you can still love one another." Here is how the experts say to do just that.
One of the most common sources of friction for live-in couples is chores and keeping the home clean and organized, says Concepcion. “If one person likes a clean, clutter-free space and the other is less tidy, this will get annoying rather fast,” she explains. The only way to deal with this situation so that resentment doesn't grow is by speaking up and finding compromise. “It's important to have an open, honest conversation about cleaning, perhaps hiring a cleaning service for the scrubbing of kitchen, bathrooms, and floors is a smart solution,” Concepcion suggests.
If you and your partner haven't agreed on how to handle the household finances, or you have and one of you isn't meeting the agreed upon expectations, this can be a major source of annoyance and anger in the home, says Dr. Brown. For instance, “You and your partner agreed that one would pay for the utilities and groceries, and the other would pay for the rent. Your partner is consistently late paying the rent,” he suggests. If this sounds familiar, it's going to require open lines of communication and honesty to resolve it. “Set aside some time when the two of you are free to have a conversation. Turn your phones and other electronic devices off so you don't have any distractions. Patiently — and with a kind and non-judgmental tone in your voice — let your partner know what it is that they do that you find annoying, the impact it has on you,” Dr. Brown advises.
Yes, you and your partner love each other very much. Otherwise, why would you want to live together? But there can be such a thing as "too much" of a good thing when it comes to spending time together. This is why Susan Winter, a New York City-based relationship expert, love coach, and author of Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache, tells Elite Daily that not having some space between you can create big problems out of small things. “It's common for couples to begin fighting when they've spent too much time together. This is why vacations can bring out the worst in otherwise loving partners,” says Winter. “The lack of psychological space can make anything our partner does feels annoying. Whether it's whistling, tapping their fingers, coughing, or itching their skin... these actions become magnified,” she adds. Her advice is to put some time apart on the schedule. “To remedy this potential irritability, take a physical break from your partner. Go to the gym, go for a walk, or go see friends. Being cognizant of this trait enables you to anticipate a fight before it happens, and apply the remedy of space,” she advises.
We all have our own little idiosyncrasies — things we don't even know we do — but there's nothing like a shared, confined space to really put them on display. “Your partner may not be aware of their annoying habits. Or, certain things they do [that] bother you, but haven't bothered others in their past,” explains Concepcion. “Either way, it's delicate terrain, but this information must be shared. Otherwise, you'll become resentful and angry while your partner is left to wonder why. And just to be fair, your partner should feel free to share your tics and habits that they find annoying.”
Living with someone has the potential to naturally change the dynamic of any relationship. It can bring you closer, but it can also mean you might bug each other more. “Living together destroys the mystery as the everyday human comes into focus. This requires a mental adjustment on our part. Our partner may have lost their allure as we wait for our turn at the toilet, but we've gained a realistic picture of the human that is our mate. And by the way, the same is true for them,” says Winter.
And while these newfound differences or this loss of ~allure~ may test your relationship at times, it also has the potential to give you more security in knowing you've found your person, weird habits and all. “Acceptance is key,” concludes Winter, and she's absolutely right.
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