Before you get into another political debate with your aunt who's visiting for the holidays, why not find a better way to pass the time in between family meals? There are so many other things you can do like build a snowman, watch Home Alone 2: Lost In New York, or send a suggestive text to that person you met on a dating app a few weeks earlier. Personally, I like that last suggestion best and will probably try out more than one of these sexy texts to send during the holidays well before Christmas Day rolls around.
I mean, I'm long past the stage of my life where I ask Santa for presents and wait anxiously for his delivery. Besides, there's nothing I want that he can really bring me since, apparently, you can't buy happiness in a store, blah, blah, blah. (You can buy chocolate ice cream, though.) It's fine. Instead of spending Christmas Eve hopelessly searching the sky for reindeer and a sleigh, I'd much rather see stars in an entirely different way, anyway. To make my Christmas wishes come true, I've compiled a list of 35 flawlessly festive opening lines that are sure to land me (and you, I hope) on the naughty list.
1. Will you trim my Christmas tree?
Why not borrow this iconic line from "Santa Baby"?
2. Can I sit on your lap and tell you what I want this year?
I'm pretty sure the answer will be yes.
3. I checked the list twice and you've definitely been naughty.
It's probably true, too.
4. A photo of you under the mistletoe and a caption that says, "All I need now is you."
They'll love that you're thinking of them even though you're apart.
5. Wish you were coming down the chimney tonight.
Add a seductive emoji at the end to get your point across.
6. Is that a menorah or are you just happy to see me?
Hopefully, it's the latter.
7. Is that a candy cane in your pocket or...
You know the rest.
8. Here's a picture of me so you can show Santa exactly what you want for Christmas.
Because you're humble like that.
9. I'd love to spin your dreidel.
If you know what I mean.
10. Baby, it's cold outside... let's warm each other up?
They won't see this one coming.
11. You are one hot latke.
Just telling it like it is.
12. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.
Because who doesn't love a Christmas classic?
13. Are you Jewish? We can celebrate for eight nights.
I'm not Jewish but, for an offer like this, I can be.
14. Can you come over... and bring Santa's little helper with you?
It couldn't hurt to ask.
15. You light me up like a Christmas tree.
Creative writing is nothing without descriptive imagery.
16. Won't you come jingle my bells?
Don't be surprised if you get a reply like, "If you jingle my bells, I can promise you a white Christmas." You've been warned.
17. You make me scream, 'O Holy Night.'
Assuming they do, of course.
18. You didn't make the naughty list? There's still time.
Let them know you'll do what you can to help.
19. If I say I'm Santa, will you leave the cookie out for me?
And who doesn't love putting their hand in the cookie jar?
20. My favorite thing about the holidays is wrapping presents... and wrapping up. #safesex
What? Someone had to say it.
21. Santa comes on Christmas Eve but why should we wait that long?
Can't argue with that logic.
22. The Christmas tree won't be the only thing with an angel on top of it this year.
If they don't immediately agree, I'd be concerned.
23. Who cares if you're on the naughty or nice list, as long as you're on my to-do list?
Make sure you check it twice.
24. I can promise you it won't be a silent night if you come over.
Make them an offer they can't refuse.
25. I bet Santa isn't the only one with a sack of goodies.
Pretty sure he's not.
26. I've always wanted to see the North Pole.
27. I just can't figure out where I should hang my wreath. Any ideas?
They'll know what you mean.
28. Santa says the best toys run on batteries.
Just as long as you don't wear them out.
29. Wanna Scrooge?
30. Can you stuff my stocking?
A simple request, really.
31. Let's be naughty together and save Santa the trip.
I guarantee this will be more fun than any present under the tree.
32. Want to hear my grown-up Christmas list?
Make sure they're on it, of course.
33. I'd ride that sleigh.
All night long.
34. Can I ride your reindeer?
You know, if sleighs aren't your thing.
35. I wish I was a present so I could get laid under the Christmas tree.
If this doesn't get the point across, nothing will.
Here's hoping these help you and your partner get into the holiday spirit. Tits the season!
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