Relationships with exes can be weird. On the one hand, here's a person you really cared (or still care) about, but because you've decided you don’t want to be romantic anymore, your relationship is all fraught and tense now. If anyone else you know was going through a hard time, you wouldn't think twice about reaching out and offering support, but with an ex, it gets complicated. But it doesn't have to be! There are totally acceptable texts to send your ex if they’re struggling, so you can let them know they're not alone. Yes, relationships with exes can be weird, but that doesn't make your ex not human.
Let’s assume you're reading this because word has gotten to you that your ex boo is really going through it. You want to reach out, but you don’t know how. No worries, it's really not that hard! Promise. But before you start firing off texts to an ex, it’s important to take a moment and get real about why you want to reach out. Are your motives pure? Do you just want to offer support, and maybe even open up a new friendship? Then proceed. However, if you're doing this to use your ex’s suffering in hopes of getting back together, think twice. With that out of the way, here's what to text your former flame if you know they're going through a hard time.
“Hey you, I know it’s been a minute since we last talked, but [insert mutual friends name] mentioned you’ve been going through it. I just wanted to let you know my shoulder is available if you need one."
It’s normal, even after a breakup, to share some friends in common. If that’s the case for you and your ex, don’t be surprised if you get random updates about their lives — occasionally when you really don’t want to. However, if they happen to mention that your ex is really low or going through something, it’s totally OK to reach out and offer a shoulder if they need it. Just make sure your friend knows you’re going to do it before you pick up the phone, and that you aren’t putting them in some kind of awkward position.
“Hey, I happened to see your status update (I wasn’t social media creeping, I swear!). I’m really sorry to hear that [insert relevant struggle] and wanted to reach out to let you know that I’m available for friendship and support if you want it.”
Listen, I get it. We all creep on our ex’s profiles, no judgment here. So, if you happen to be doing a little regular online recon and happen to see your ex is having a hard time, it’s fine to reach out and say something friendly.
“Hey you, I know today is the anniversary of [insert event] and that it’s a hard time of year for you. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you today, and if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I’m here.”
For some folks, going through a hard time is an annual event, like if it’s the anniversary of a loved one’s death, or some other painful event. In that case, you don’t have to be in contact or even friends on social media to know that your ex is having a bad day. Dropping a line to let them know you remember and are thinking of them is a nice gesture.
Just because you break up with someone, doesn’t automatically mean they cease to exist to you. Don’t be afraid to reach out — unless you’re doing it with ulterior motives, or if you think they have good reason not to want to hear from you. If you lead with kindness, good intentions, and little to no expectations about their response, there’s nothing wrong with hitting send on a friendly, supportive message.
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