I think the concept of "love at first sight" could more accurately be called "lust at first sight," because what you're likely drawn to about another person upon first meeting them is their physical appearance. The "love" part develops over time as you get to know someone's personality, learn the way their brain works, and spend quality time with them, according to Dawn Maslar, a love expert. Of course, being attracted to someone because of their looks isn't a bad thing at all, but it can be problematic if your boyfriend or girlfriend is more attracted to you physically than emotionally.
If you're dating someone that you find physically irresistible, but could really do without the whole conversation part of hanging out with them, you two might not be in it for the long haul. That's not to say that an emotional connection won't eventually happen, but if you're drawn to the person because they're just so easy on the eyes and that's it, you might want to reconsider your relationship. Now, how can you tell if the person you're dating is way more into the way you look more than who you are as a person?
Maslar says being attracted to someone's appearance is a great thing and perfectly normal. In fact, she says, "Men have 25 percent more neurons in their visual cortex, so they place a higher significance on physical appearance." Attraction is based on how your senses respond to another person — sight, smell, and touch. Maslar explains that once attraction draws you to another person, other elements should begin to take over or at least contribute to your connection with them. She offers a few clues that could indicate this isn't happening with the person you're dating, and that they're mostly drawn to your appearance.
Maslar says, "An indication that someone is interested in your personality is a increase in conversation." If talks with your partner stay on superficial topics like your friends, what you're going to do this weekend, or what's going on in the world, they might not be very interested in getting to know the real you. If they ask questions about you, want to learn about your family and your past, and are interested in your opinions, then that means they probably value your personality, too. If you find yourself spending most of your time with your boo in loud public places where it's hard to have a conversation, or really only get together to hook up, then they might not really care about what's under your pretty surface.
Maslar says, "Of course, after you’ve been dating for awhile, personality plays a more significant role," so if these conversations aren't happening for you guys, that's a red flag.
Social media obviously plays a huge part in all our lives, as we love to share photos of what we're doing, who we're doing, and all the other zillion little details of our daily lives. If your partner loves to post selfies of the two of you and comments that you're "hot," "fly," or "smokin'" instead of "lovely," "smart," or "hilarious," they are telling the world what they value about you. Maslar says, "If someone is more interested in the “picture” of the relationship, they might be focused on looks than personality."
Your intimate relationship with your partner could be considered a litmus test for the overall health of your relationship. Attraction is key, and if your partner prioritizes having sex with you over spending time with you in other ways, that could be an indication that they like the look and feel of you more than they care about who you are.
Changes in your sex life can also be clues. Maslar says, "For both men and women, but particularly men, it can be important to feel physically attracted to have a sexual relationship. However, personality can help or hurt this." So if your partner is less interested in having sex or being intimate with you after you've spent time together talking or just hanging out, they might be just in it for the physical aspect.
If you sense that your partner is more interested in your appearance than your personality, your relationship isn't necessarily doomed. Maslar offers that you should try to spend more time with them in quieter settings, pursue conversation with them, and make a concerted effort to ask questions. While physical attraction is the first step in connecting romantically with someone, the emotional attraction needs to develop next or else the relationship will stay on a superficial level. So try sharing stories with your bae, spending quality time with them, and connecting with them on shared interests instead of just hooking up or going out. However, if they aren't interested in your personality or getting to know the real you, you might be better off finding someone who would be psyched to be around sparkly, hilarious, and wonderful you.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!
