Tell me if this sounds familiar: It's date night for your friend, who is going out with someone they met last week on a dating app. This person seemed cute in the pics, and their bio was on point, but that's hardly a guarantee that it will end well. So it's your duty as their BFF to come up with some emergency texts to send your friend about an hour into the date, so that if it is a disaster, they have an excuse to gracefully and swiftly bounce the eff out of there.
Who am I kidding? Of course this sounds familiar, because we all do it. It's basically a cliche at this point. But hey, we do it because it still works. Online dating can be tricky, and having an exit strategy is not only helpful for when a date goes poorly, but it can also be a safety issue. So yes, technically, it's a service we do for one another to show our solidarity and sisterhood, but that doesn't mean we can't troll just a little bit, right?
So for the next time your friend asks you to be their get-out-of-date free card, here are some emergency scenarios you can text them. The ideas range from realistic, to, well, not so much.
1. "This is an automated alert from Lojack. Your vehicle with license #BOH1372 was recently moved. If you or someone you know moved the vehicle, please disregard this message."
2. "Hey sis, mom and dad are starting to wonder if you're OK. The reservation was at 8:00. Don't forget their gift!"
3. "Hey, I stopped by your place to use the restroom. I’m standing here with the plumber, and he wants to know if you have renter’s insurance?"
4. "Hey girl, landed safely. Should I just wait for you in baggage claim?"
5. "I've been knocking on your door for five minutes, please tell me you haven't forgotten you said I could crash on your couch this week. It's getting really cold out here. :("
6. "Hey, mom just called. She said Auntie Jane fell. We're all meeting at the emergency room now. See you there?"
7. [Send them a random cat photo] "Hey, isn't this Mr. McFluffyPants? Is he supposed to be running around outside?"
8. "I just got a flat tire out in middle of nowhere, and no one else is answering their phone. Help!"
9. "Hey hon, your sister's water just broke! The baby is coming now. Get to the hospital ASAP!"
10. "[Name], where are you? I’ve been out of surgery for an hour and they’re not going to let me leave without my ride."
11. "I am your one true love. I finally just got up the nerve to admit it. Come home so we can talk about my feelings."
12. "Something exploded. I can't tell you more over text."
13. "Two questions: 1) Do you have $1,000 and 2) Do you know where the police station is?"
14. "Explosive menses emergency, please help and bring tampons!"
15. [Send a picture of an alligator in a bathtub] "Our roommate agreement specifically states no pets! If you don’t deal with this right now, I’m calling the landlord."
Troll Level: 1 Million
16. "Your dog has discovered the secret of human speech. He said come home and feed him."
17. "I just saw a ghost. Grab your ghost-hunting gear and get over here."
18. "You busy? There's a guy at the door claiming to be your lost uncle Bob. He's muttering something about you needing to know 'the truth'?"
19. [Picture of the Bat Signal] "Citizens in danger! They need your help!"
20. "I’m not saying it’s aliens… but… it’s aliens. Come home."
Hey, just because you're doing your friend a solid, doesn't mean you can't have some fun in the process, right?
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