Finding someone to settle down for the rest of your life is a fairly high priority for a lot of people, but actually getting to that point isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world.
Unless you're one of those people who somehow managed to find The One while the both of you were still in middle school, you're probably going to have to go on a few dates to find the perfect partner.
You can certainly take steps to increase the probability of going on a successful date, but the nature of meeting strangers for an inherently awkward social outing means you're probably going to experience a few awful encounters over time.
Nobody wants to plan for a disastrous date, but it's important to have an exit strategy if you ever find yourself in such a situation. Using some of these strategies might make you a terrible person, but it’s probably worth it if it means getting out of a terrible date.
“Do you hear that car alarm? I should probably go see if that’s mine.”
Don’t actually hear a car alarm? Don’t even own a car? Don’t worry about it.
“Oh, I thought I was meeting the other [insert name here] I met on Tinder.”
Realistically speaking, the other person will end the date for you. There might also be a drink thrown in your face.
“Oh my God! I shouldn’t have had that bread. I forgot I was gluten-free.”
After saying this, simply run to the bathroom and never return.
“I thought that was just going to be a fart. I thought wrong.”
The exit strategy in this situation is the same as above.
“I just don’t see myself ever getting along with someone who actually enjoys [whatever dish your date decided to order].”
Note: this probably won’t work if you order the same thing, but you can certainly try if you’re really desperate.
“I really regret not wearing the other outfit I had picked out. It might be too much for me to handle psychologically. I’m really sorry.”
Add hysterical sobbing and runny mascara for maximum effect. Your date might promise to call you, but that's probably not true.
"I can already tell my parents are going to hate you."
It's best to use a scapegoat whenever possible.
"Give me one second. I forgot to do my transcendental meditation for today."
Close your eyes, deeply inhale and exhale, and repeat until the other person leaves.
"I have to go! There's a citizen in distress."
At this point, tear off your shirt to reveal the Superman logo you painted on your chest in the event things were going horribly. Your date will be too shocked to react and probably too weirded out to ever call you again.
"You know what I just realized? I think I'd make a really good priest/nun."
Who is your date to deny God's will?
"I love you."
This is what's known as a "forcing move." If it works, your date will probably make up his or her own terrible excuse, but if it doesn't, you just signed yourself up for a lot more awkwardness.
“I'm going to be honest... I don’t like you as a person.”
Sometimes honesty is the best policy -- and sometimes honesty makes people sob hysterically in a public setting. Use with caution.
Hopefully you never have to go on a blind date as bad this one from “Man Seeking Woman,” but on the off chance you ever find yourself across the table from a literal troll, at least you're prepared.