As far as terrible years go, 2017 pretty much takes the cake. From natural disasters to national disasters to the fact that Kylie Jenner STILL hasn't officially told us whether or not she's pregnant, this year has not been awesome. But alas, I come bearing some news that some people's 2017 was even worse than yours. Yes, this year sucked, but when you see this list of the things people got stuck in their vaginas in 2017, you might feel slightly better about the way your year went. (This is, of course, assuming you didn't get a foreign object stuck in your vagina this year. And if you did, I'm so sorry.)
DailyMail.com cited the US Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits to uncover a list of the weirdest things people reportedly got stuck in their vaginas and penises. Personally, I was expecting to read items like a few tampons and maybe a cucumber, but let me just say that some of the items included on this list are guaranteed to shock you to your core.
Before we get started, take this fact into account: According to DailyMail.com, vaginal canals are typically about 9.6 centimeters long (AKA 3.8 inches). So keep that number in mind when you're trying to visualize the sizes of some of these items people managed to get lodged up in there this year.
Without further ado, I present to you the list of the top 16 weird things people got stuck in their vaginas in 2017, according to DailyMail.com:
16. Toy wand
15. 15 stone balls - only found 14
The doctor's note for this one reads that the patient was "using massaging urethral vaginal stone balls, the string holding 15 balls together dissolved." Unfortunately, doctors could "only find 14 balls."
14. A lollipop
13. A candlestick
11. A phone and money
Apparently, the patient in this scenario "was having sex with boyfriend when he put phone and money in vagina."
10. Hot towel
8. A sponge
The doctor's note for this item reads that this unfortunate soul was "on period, inserted non-birth control sponge in vagina so she could swim."
7. Bike reflector
6. A ball
5. Silicon balls
This patient clearly had a sense of humor when she said, "You know, for when your husband leaves town." BOW CHICKA WOW WOW.
4. Penis ring with spikes on
3. Bottle cap
2. Deodorant cap
1. Scented soap
OK, so a penis ring with spikes on it, I get. Scented soap, I get. Even a sponge, I get! Honestly, I even sort of weirdly get headphones. But A PHONE AND MONEY?? Why did it have to be both? Why couldn't you just go for one or the other? Also, money is so dirty! Come on, guys!
But before you start hating on people getting things stuck in their vaginas, let me just say, people with penises weren't totally steering clear of stuffing stuff in their junk and getting it stuck, either.
Another looking into the database showed that people also got some pretty freaking weird things stuck in their wieners — yes, in their literal penises — this year, too. What were the top eight things? Allow me to share:
8. Coaxial cable
The doctor's note reads that the "patient put paperclip through urethra and punctured through shaft of penis," according to DailyMail.com. Ow.
6. Piece of plastic shampoo bottle
5. Piece of domino
4. Plastic spoon
3. four inch long metal sex toy
2. A sharp toy
1. A little screw
I don't know about you guys, but I'm sitting here dying to know just two things. First of all, how in the world did someone wind up with a "piece of domino" in their wiener? Second, what, exactly, was this "sharp toy," and was it made for children or adults? But, I guess some questions will just have to go unanswered.
I think it's safe to say I'm not alone when I say thank God 2017 is almost over. Thank. God.
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