I'd like to think I'm too big a person to subtweet but LOL, who am I kidding? I have been subtweeting f*ckboys who've ghosted me for years. It's basically a passion of mine, which is how I've managed to like and retweet tons of hilarious tweets about being single. It's 50 percent catharsis, 50 percent rage, and 100 percent cheaper than therapy.
Seriously, is there anything more satisfying than tweeting about another Friday night at home by yourself while watching Netflix? OK, fine, maybe having someone to go out with would be just as satisfying but we can't all have what Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have. And even they shade each other on Twitter.
I remember the days when we would complain about people airing their dirty laundry in dramatic, status updates on Facebook:
Oh, you broke up with your boyfriend again? Who could've seen this coming? I thought for sure, this — the 13th time — would have been the one to stick.
Yup, that's right. We were full of sass, quick to judge. But look at us now, having public meltdowns on Twitter because we didn't get a text back. I think this is called the circle of life but if anyone knows how I can GTFO of this feedback loop, please let me know. Until then, I'll be on Twitter complaining about that guy who super-liked me on Tinder. Why? Oh, because his bio politely explains that blondes with blue eyes drive him wild. And I am neither.
K, Chad*, do your thing. Here's how the rest of Twitter is handling the dating scene.
Is this why I'm still single?
The couple that watches pimple-popping videos on YouTube together is the couple that stays together. I'm assuming.
Does this not work?
This is definitely how it works in the movies so, naturally, I have the same expectations for my wildly mediocre life.
I have questions, too.
My personal favorite is the entrepreneur, for whom I also have many, many questions.
It's rough out there.
Honestly, the bar is set so low that using punctuation in your text messages will do it for me.
Wow, this is me.
IKEA is bae.
I will divorce my spouse over this.
With all the memes floating around about this, I actually don't get how there's still room for confusion. And also, you're not getting laid tonight.
We all have one of these, right?
I've been happily dating my boyfriend for almost a year now but I'm afraid if I get him a card to celebrate, he'll find out about our relationship.
I feel personally attacked every time I order Chinese food for one.
Can we get an advocacy group working on this?
This doesn't add up.
Who came up with these rules? I'd like to speak with the manager.
Oh look, the gang's all here.
TBH, I'd take this over a partner any day.
There are solutions out there, people. Pave the way!
I just can't help it.
*Pins photos of little kids I don't know in tuxedos to my new wedding board on Pinterest.*
It was over before it even began.
Dating is a lot like going to college. There are prerequisites and grades. The good news is that I grade on a curve.
It's hard to tell if we're all just using humor to mask our sadness or if being single really is this funny. Either way, these are the benefits I've found in tweeting about it. Firstly, it's good for the #content and, as millennials, that's important. Secondly, I really do hope my life will turn out like the script of a cheesy romantic comedy and that my one, true love is out there chuckling at my tweets. He'll make his move soon, I'm sure. Lastly and most importantly, it's nice to know I'm not alone, which is basically what being single feels like all the time.
The next time you feel like venting about your horrible first date or that awkward Tinder conversation, don't hold back. Someone else needs to read it and it helps to get it off you chest. Subtweets only, though. No real names.
*Names have been changed.
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