I ran into my old crush from summer camp on the street the other day and immediately turned into the bumbling, Britney Spears-loving preteen I was back in 2002. But seriously, Handsome Former Counselor stopped me on the sidewalk while I was listening to a podcast about Britney Spears' 2007 meltdown, and I definitely nervously told him all about it. Oh, I'm 29 now. If you've never rekindled with an old crush, DO IT. In fact, I dare you to text your high school crush this Thanksgiving.
I fiiinally got to date my eighth grade crush during my sophomore year of college. Now I want to have a daughter just so I can tell her, "It's OK, don't cry, your crush might become obsessed with you seven years down the road!" Before embarking on this text-periment, though, let's set some ground rules: by "crush" I mean "crush" and not "ex" or "person you cried over in your '95 Camry at the end of your cul-de-sac."
Don't choose someone who will complicate the two days off you get to celebrate America's sordid past. Figure out what you want from this trip down memory lane — are you looking for sex? A drink? A joy ride around a neighborhood named something like "Deer Brush Creek" to Dave Matthews Band? Cool. Now, choose one of these fun texts to make sh*t happen:
1. "I'm a turkey, please stuff me."
To be used by those of you who are bold and looking for a stuffing. This could be fun with an old hookup that things have always stayed chill with. Typing these out in text made me feel a little creepy, so maybe add the turkey emoji to lighten the vibe.
2. "[Turkey Emoji] + [Drink Emoji] ?"
Straightforward and to the point, but cuter and slightly more flirtatious than simply saying, "want to grab a drink over Thanksgiving?" This is a solid go to for that crush who might be in a relationship... test those waters.
3. "I had such a big crush on you in high school."
This is best suited for the crush that you just ran into at the local grocery store snagging some ice cream for the pies. Maybe you happened to be looking fly, and there was some flirtation. Follow the f*ck up! Plus, who wouldn't love to receive a text like this?
4. "You home?"
This is the "you up" of hometown rendezvous. This simple text will allow you to feel out your crush's reply. If it's "who dis"-level cold and unfriendly? At least you didn't text them asking them to stuff you. If it's flirtatious and turns into a conversation? Make that date happen.
5. "Why eat turkey, when you can have my breast and thighs?"
This is best used on someone you've initiated some kind of flirtation or mouth-to-mouth contact with before. You know, because let's try not to textually assault unassuming cuties we went to high school with this holiday season.
6. "Stuffing or mashed potatoes?"
Because I love asking people questions about their food preferences. Tossing this text out will allow you to find out whether your crush still has your number saved or if they are engaged, you dig?
7. "New decade, who dis?"
This is a great one to lay on a cutie you haven't seen since actual high school. I like that this is flirtatious, but not embarrassing.
8. Any Big Mouth GIF
I inexplicably sent the above GIF to an old crush thanking him for his birthday wishes this weekend because my judgment-call skill level at open bar weddings is zero, but everyone is obsessed with Nick Kroll's brilliant show Big Mouth. Plus, it's about puberty, which is probably the last time you saw this crush anyway.
9. "Wanna have our own high school reunion?"
Your intentions will be clear, so send this one with confidence.
10. "Let's unbutton our pants together this Thanksgiving?"
Send this one, but if you get an affirmative answer, maybe aim to unbutton pants before you actually indulge in Thanksgiving day food and drink.
11. "Are you the Mayflower?"
To be followed up with: "Because I'd love to ride you." Another text for those bold, sex-ready Thanksgiving friends. Only caveat: if your high school crush is a smarty pants, they might remind you that no one living in 2017 would actual desire a ride on the Mayflower...
So there you have it, a bunch of ways to entice/frighten your high school crush this Thanksgiving. Remember: use a condom, protect your heart, and try to be chill if someone nexts you. After all, high school was a long time ago and there are millions of turkeys in the sea. (Literally — 46 million are eaten every Thanksgiving.)
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