When you imagine the perfect winter hookup, you probably picture something epically romantic. You and your FWB atop a (faux) bearskin rug, bodies entwined and lit beautifully by the glow of the nearby fire. That's pretty hot stuff. However, the reality of a winter hookup is a lot less toasty and can be way more awkward, especially if you're living anywhere near the path of the bomb cyclone.(Our hearts and minds are with you, East Coast.) There are quite a few unique hookup problems in the winter that, at best, are really annoying, and, at worst, may make you just want to let your V hibernate for the winter all together.
That’s not to say there aren't some fun things about winter hookups. Everyone looks cute bundled up in their winter wear, a boozy hot chocolate buzz is encouraged, and being holed up on a sexy snow day while a storm rages outside can be really exciting. But actually achieving those kinds of winter hookup unicorn conditions can be really challenging. There are lots of obstacles that come with the season that can make it hard to, well, come! I don’t have an easy solution for this one, so instead, let’s all just ruminate on 10 of the most annoying things about hooking up in the winter.
1. No Balm Can Compete With Winter-Chapped Lips
Nothing is sexier than rubbing your sore, cracked lips against someone else's sandpapery mouth. Oh, wait, I mean nothing is less sexy. But hey, it’s winter, AKA the season of chapped lips. So if you're planning to hook up tonight, make sure to keep your Carmex right next to the condoms in your purse.
2. Between You And Your Hookup Is… The Weather
There's nothing like blizzard-standing conditions between you and your hookup buddy to make it seem like actually being able to, you know, hook up requires them to battle their way through some kind of wintery dystopia. However, if they do make it over, you have to give them credit for their determination.
3. When It's This Cold, Who Wants To Get Naked?
So, here’s the thing: Most people want to take their clothes off to bang it out. But you know what sounds terrible when it's cold AF? Being naked.
4. The Battle For The Blanket Is Real
Once you’re undressed, that’s when the real battle begins — the one over the duvet. That shock of cold when your FWB steals the covers may be grounds for immediate termination.
5. Dry, Flakey Skin Can Really Get On Your Nerves
If you think dry lips are frustrating, what about the rest of your bod? Cold weather robs your skin of moisture, leaving us all extra dry and flakey. Hot.
6. It’s Cold And Flu Season
Hooking up all year round has its dangers, which is why you should always, always use a condom. However, even the best prophylactic can't protect you from everything in the winter months. Yep, I'm talking about colds and flus. 'Tis the season, folks, where we all become walking petri dishes. Also, the constant coughing and sniffling doesn't exactly send anyone's libido into overdrive.
7. Everyone's Hands Are Frickin’ Freezing
Brrr, keep those hand-shaped icicles far away from me and my body!
8. The Post-Sex Run To The Bathroom Is Freezing
You know exactly what I am talking about: that awkward any-time-of-year scramble to the bathroom after sex. What could possibly make that even worse? How about cold-ass floors on your bare feet.
9. There’s No Privacy When Everyone Is Staying In
When it's really cold out, most people stay in as much as possible. Sure, that makes sense, but it can put a serious dent in your ability to hook up without someone's roommate being right there, spoiling the mood.
10. That Walk Home The Next Day Is Gonna Be Brutal
If you thought getting together before the hookup was hard, just wait until the next morning, when you're trying to make your way back home.
Jeez, when you look at all of these things together, it's kind of amazing that anyone gets laid before March. No wonder people just go ahead and cuff up for the season. All I can say is, summer can’t come soon enough.
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