There's a lot of pressure to find funny things to say on a first date. If you don't know your date's sense of humor, it can be hard to figure out whether your jokes are going to land right. You might put yourself on silent with your own self-doubt. Is she one of those people who takes sarcasm completely seriously? Does he even think fart jokes are funny? Are they going to think I'm trying too hard if I keep attempting to make them laugh?
First of all, everyone thinks fart jokes are funny, and if they don't, then you might be on a date with a humorless sack of rocks. Second of all, on a first date, there's a legitimate chance you might never see that person ever again, so you might as well keep yourself entertained. As long as you think you're funny — and you're not blatantly offensive — that's all that really matters. They either get you or they don't. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there on a date at all, much less to try and liven things up with a joke. But making a joke that falls flat is much better than an overly serious date. I mean, who wants to spend the whole night talking about work or their daddy issues? Let's try to keep it light.
If you're having trouble striking the right note with your standup, here are some jokes to get you off to the right start:
1. "I Wanted To Ask... Is Your Friend From Your Tinder Pics Single?"
Hopefully, they have a genuine sense of humor and won't think you're actually serious. But if they don't and they think you're serious, at least you'll find out early.
2. "My Five Year Plan Is To Avoid A Career At All Costs, How About You?"
If one more person asks me where I see myself in five years, I'm going to scream. I thought this was a date, not an appointment with a career counselor?
3. "Stop Making Me So Interested In You, I'm Trying To Be Aloof So You Think I'm Cool"
If in doubt, just be as dweeb-y as possible. You can definitely get away with it because you're adorable.
4. "I Am A Very Independent Person.... Until About 11 At Night"
Let's be honest: Being single is amazing until you actually want to cuddle with someone.
5. "You Know When You Really Like Someone, And Your Stomach Clenches, And You Don't Know If It's Butterflies Or Farts?
This one's a wild card. They're either going to laugh or claim that they have to get up "really early" for work in the morning so they "have to go." Either way, I think you win. Better they bail on you now than ghost you next week.
6. "I Guess Going On Dates Is Cool... So Is Pizza"
If they're playing it cool, then go ahead and get out your hockey puck, baby, because you can be as cold as ice.
7. "Wanna Go To The Park And Hate On All The Couples Holding Hands?"
I am grateful that those couples exist because they are so much fun to secretly judge in public.
8. "Be Honest. How Many Times Do You Say 'Me Too' On A First Date?"
When I'm trying to relate on a first date, it's like, "OMG, you eat food? Me too! What are the chances?"
9. "When You Were Filling Out Your OkCupid Profile, Did You Think To Yourself, 'Damn, I'm Boring,' Or Was That Just Me?"
Whenever I get to that question that asks me, "What are you doing on a typical Friday?" my answer is "Definitely not watching Netflix in bed while consuming an entire wheel of brie for dinner. Why, what's so great about whatever you do?"
10. "You Know When You're Hooking Up With Someone, And You Turn On Your Spotify, And Suddenly, All The Ghosts Of Your Exes Come Flooding Through Your Speakers To Haunt You?"
The number one rule on a first date is not to mention your ex. The second rule is that there are no rules. So loosen up, enjoy yourself, and come back with something to tell all your friends about. The worst thing that can happen is you'll make yourself laugh.
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