The Republican national convention is this week.
This convention is organized by the GOP, who did absolutely everything in their power to prevent Donald Trump from becoming the Republican candidate for president. But now, they will be forced to honor him.
And, considering the kind of language Trump has been using to garner popularity from people who like it when a political candidate "just speaks his mind” – which is code for "behaves like Bobby the bully from the sixth grade after he learns the word 'gay'" – the offensiveness is already rolling in.
One journalist snapped this picture of a bunch of pins at the convention. Although I'm sure there is going to be far worse happening there, I have to say they're absurdly sexist.
Apparently, Trump and his supporters don't think women hate him quite enough. Instead, they're still trying to stuff a bit more women-hating rhetoric in before he's officially sworn in as the presidential candidate.
All these jokes are not only offensive, but they're also just bad. These are jokes you'd hear at an open mic night in the '80s. They're like dad jokes, but for dads who drink too much on Thanksgiving and kick the dog.
As you can imagine, every insult directed toward Hillary had nothing to do with her policies, and everything to do with her having two X chromosomes. I mean, HOW DARE SHE?!
The first absurdly offensive one is this dog shit:
“KFC Hillary Special: 2 fat thighs. 2 small breasts. Left wing."
Get it? Like the parts of a bird. But they sound like parts of a woman's body. Do you get it?
Although honestly, I'm kind of disappointed they didn't add something about how Trump prefers "white meat" because, you know, he's, um... racist. I guess there's only so much space for text on a button.
It's absurd that people can be proud of talking like this.
Like, OK: I make fun of Trump for looking like a Halloween pumpkin that's been left in formaldehyde for a whole calendar year. But that's because it's just what he actually looks like.
It has nothing to do with his sex, race or religion. He's just a gross guy with skin like gelatin, a Jenga tower for hair and a spray tan addiction. That's just funny.
(Also, I heard he has no penis. He just has a Ziploc bag hanging from his crotch with semen and urine in it. That's just what I heard, though.)
Next up is another great comedic achievement: calling someone a bitch.
"Life's a bitch, don't vote for one."
Let it be known that I'm coining the terms “racist dad joke” and “sexist dad joke” right here and now. They've been around forever, but we've all been ignoring them. Here is my definition of a SDJ:
Sexist Dad Joke (n) A joke that is both very lame and also sexist. These jokes rely on cruelty, which is then confused for cleverness because it supplies the sexist person hearing the joke a moment of catharsis and release, much like a good joke will through actual cleverness and whimsy. But this is because the sexist person has found someone who shares his or her same violent worldview. An example: How do you blind a woman? You put a windshield in front of her. Ha.
Anyway, now that that's handled, let me help out with a rewrite for this button, my little Trumpettes. (That's what you guys call yourselves, right?)
“Life's full of disease. So let's vote for the human version of that.”
OK, it's not my best work. But you get it.
Fuck them and fuck him and fuck this. For the past year, this country has basically been an extremely slow-motion nationwide shart, since he entered the limelight. And I'm sick of it.