This Is Why 2016 Is Officially The Year Of The 'Man Butt'
In my late teens and early 20s, I was 6'1'' and probably about 150 pounds when soaking wet. I was a human bean pole with orange hair and too many freckles. Needless to say, the ladies weren't flocking to me. It was quite the opposite, actually.
Like the scrawny scarecrow my body resembled, I'd instead cause women to flee in horror. But then I hit college. A college that just so happened to house a pizza shop with ridiculous garlic dipping sauce that I could eat like soup, but instead used crust because I was already scaring women off.
By the time I graduated, I'd gained 30 pounds and I've gained another 20 since. I grew into my adult body, and with that growth came a rather large posterior.
My fiancé absolutely loves this sumptuous booty I've somehow attained, and will spank or grab it at any acceptable opportunity. This was something she was very much into and something I believed was rare in a woman. But, I was wrong.
The big booty trend (formerly limited to the female) has very recently started to be reflected in male anatomy. Are YOU into it? Because many are, evidently.
Here's some information to better articulate this newfangled trend:
Dude celebs LOVE showing off their glistening glutes lately.
Like Justin Bieber, for instance, who knows what his followers want.
Unfortunately, Bieber's OG ass pic was removed, but Miley had fun with it.
John Stamos' photo shoot with Paper magazine almost broke the internet (sorry, Kim), courtesy of his “FULLER” rump.
Two images of GQ's May cover star, Rob Gronkowski, featured his ridiculously defined assets that look more like two holiday hams on steroids than they do an actual ass.
And lastly, you tell me what they were drawing attention to in Conor McGregor's photo shoot with ESPN for its 2016 Body Issue.
GQ, arguably the most influential male magazine on this planet, recently published a comprehensive guide to grooming the coveted man ass.
If the lady's a booty fetishist (and many are, evidently), a man is going to have to tend to that difficult-to-reach area. It's common courtesy: She grooms, so we groom. GQ saw this burgeoning need and wanted to help its fellow man out by educating him on how he can groom his backside without feeling ALL kinds of awkward. And GQ tried.
Despite its best efforts, however, it's still awkward. Spreading your cheeks in front of a mirror will always be awkward.
There is a multitude of accounts completely dedicated to nothing more than a man's sumptuous bottom.
The internet is a prodigious library of unlimited access to man ass. So much man ass, in fact, that I couldn't possibly provide a link to all of these accounts, but I will provide links to the best accounts (according to the bevy of booty-loving women in my life) because I'm a nice guy.
If you don't want your Instagram feed to look like a scrollable pervert's view of man crack, stick with these two Instagram accounts and just these. You will not be disappointed.
Also worthy of noting: People are trying to make #ManButtMonday a thing. It hasn't caught on just yet, but it's getting there.
There are multiple products available for men who are insecure about their flat asses. So now, we can all sport asses worthy of an Instagram post.
Some guys over at Buzzfeed (who all desired a more bodacious booty) recently tested butt-enhancing underwear, and to their surprise, each appreciated the extra lift these garments afforded them.
The product the guys tested is called the “His Butt Booster,” a padded, booty-enhancing boxer brief that is to be worn like ordinary underwear (except for the fact there's a foam ass built into the back).
Surprisingly, 61 percent of Amazon users rated the product five stars, and a quick look through the retail website shows there are many similar products available to men seeking larger and/or nicer derrières.
One of the most popular options is crafted by none other than Calvin Klein (the Booty Boost Butt Trunk), which also has booty proprietor Justin Bieber as its model. Coincidence? I think not.
Evidence of the man booty trend traces back to 2013.
In a trending news piece in The New York Times published three years ago, the news source uncovered through various research that 10 percent of cosmetic surgeries performed that year were done on men.
In addition to this growing statistic, the report pointed out that buttock augmentation among men was noticeably on the rise, tripling from 2.2 percent in 1997 to 6.2 percent in 2012.
In addition to this, this same report found that underwear e-retailer Freshpair reported a 5 percent increase in sales of ass-enhancing underwear during this time as well. It can only be assumed with the reintroduction of Instagram (through Facebook taking over) and celebrities showing off their enviable asses that this number has since grown.
Straight men are embracing this butt trend as well, and they're becoming more openminded about butt play.
Luxury sex toy manufacturer Lelo released encouraging information that found men are coming around to the idea of having their booties fondled and fingered. According to its research, 71 percent of straight men in a relationship have tried — or at least admitted they'd like to try — prostate massage.
How do the ladies feel about this? Pretty great, actually. Eighty percent of women polled admitted they would absolutely perform a prostate massage on their male partner.
As if it could get any better, Lelo's research found prostate play is healthy. Not only does it decrease chances of erectile dysfunction, but it also shows that those who incorporate prostate play into intercourse have an orgasm that is 33 percent bigger than average.
Not only that, but men who incorporate prostate play into their romantic repertoire also report both thicker and stronger erections.
This information — in addition to the statistics collected in its own online store, which saw a 200 percent increase in prostate massager sales in 2015 and estimates it growing to 400 percent the following year — led Lelo to coin 2016 the year of the booty. The man booty, that is.
If you happen to fall into this growing legion of ladies fond of a nice, meaty man booty, expect to see lots more of them this year. Evidently, shapely bottoms are no longer a woman's market. It's a man's, too.
Now, excuse me. I'm going to eat insurmountable amounts of pizza and hope it all goes straight to my ass.