After being seriously sick for years, I finally found out what was wrong with me.
When the first diagnoses came, I was relieved. They finally determined what was going on in my body; I figured they could fix it. However, it didn't end with one test; they kept testing to make sure that there wasn’t something else that could cause the symptoms.
At one point, I wanted them to stop but the diagnoses kept coming: “You have this, you have that. Oh, this test is also positive.” There was so much going on; there was so much wrong in my body, it was unbelievable.
My treatment wouldn’t be one pill; rather, it would be my full-time job for years and years to come. So my new motto was this: Destroy everything that destroys you.
I thought I should adopt that mentality that movie characters adopt when they find out they’re sick: Kill it, fight till the end and be really angry at what’s going on inside your body. I had to kill everything that was living in my body that wasn’t supposed to be there, everything that was making me miserable.
Although, I soon realized this was not the way to go. I hated my body. It wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do and it felt horrible; it felt horrible and everything that was happening inside of me was to blame.
I was angry with my body, which basically meant I was angry with myself. This is an awful starting point at which to begin to heal. I had a long list of treatments, an even longer list of medications and an endless list of diagnoses.
Instead of fighting, though, I felt I needed to find love -- for myself and for my hopelessly ill body. I needed to live with this body; I needed to live.
I needed to learn how to hate everything that was destroying me on the inside and love everything else. If you persistently fight with yourself, you will always end up losing.
But how could I find love for something that made me so angry; for something that made me feel so hopeless and, from time to time, made me not want to live a day longer?
Visualization practices helped me to change my focus from being angry and viewing everything as sick, painful and hopeless, to seeing love and happiness. When I could finally let go of the anger and the daily fight with myself, the healing mentality kicked in.
Visualization helped me to see the future and to see myself happy, healthy and fit. My healthy self felt so tangible. I saw myself moving effortlessly, having fun and enjoying life. I saw me, with my body, alive.
From that moment onward, I started to take care of my body in a loving way. Before, I hated to touch it. Putting on body lotion was pure terror. I hated how I looked, how big I was and how everything ached; I didn’t want to be in that body.
When I let go of the anger and started to nurture my physical self like it was my most precious possession, something changed.
If you are angry at something, you have the desire to say nasty things to it, you want to hit it in the face, you want to throw something at it, and if possible, you want to throw it away. I felt all of these emotions towards my own self, but I needed to heal. I needed love, peace and quiet.
I went from wanting to destroy something inside me to actually destroying something outside me. My body deserved love, and therefore, all the bad factors around it had to go, including people who stressed me out and carried negativity, chemical cleaning products, chemical beauty products and unnatural foods.
My body only needed love and peace to begin to heal.
This same notion holds true for people struggle with weight. If you are angry with your body, you are likely to not give your body the attention it needs. If you punish your “fat,” with horrible diet plans, you will likely end up even more frustrated.
However, if you love yourself and do what you need to improve your way of life and level of happiness, you will get there faster, easier, and without frustration or hate.
Destroy the things that are destroying you, but love yourself and your body. You have to live with yourself every day; you deserve someone who is kind to you and nurtures your very being. Be that person for yourself.
Photo via Tumblr