It's that time of year: Your Pinterest feed is clogged with instructions for DIY mason jar lights; Target is selling "TROPHY" and "Bride" shirts, and your Instagram is filled with heavily-filtered photos of women who said yes.
With wedding season upon us, we find ourselves gagging every time we get on Facebook to see another "lifetime event" posted by the happy couple.
But, when half of that happy couple is the woman you went from diapers to dance team with, it's hard to find a balance between being genuinely happy for her, and crying yourself to sleep with jealousy.
With the arrival of a Ring Pop and "Bridesmaid"-labeled wine glass, these thoughts race through your head:
1. I’m so happy for her! She’s finally getting married to her sweetheart; her rock is huge, and they’re perfect together.
2. Like, her rock is huge. I wish I had a rock that big.
3. This is her moment. This isn’t about me. I’m happy for her! She’s happy, and I’m happy.
4. Him, though? I mean, he’s great. I love him to death, but him? She looks like a supermodel. She could get literally anyone.
5. No, stop! They’re perfect for each other. He’s such a great dad, so who cares if he interrupts our annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show watch parties to play Xbox?
6. That dress is so tacky. Seriously, David’s Bridal lady? We said classic A-line with a sweetheart neckline, buttons down the back and tasteful detailing. What the hell are you doing handing our woman a cupcake dress with extra ruffles?
7. Oh God, I swear on my nonexistent engagement ring, if the mom and monster-in-law don’t stop arguing, I’m going to end this myself. I’m pretty sure the maid of honor is already rolling her sleeves up to beat them both.
8. Wow, I’m surprised the groom’s mom lasted 10 minutes here. I figured she would’ve been run out by the rest of us within five. I mean, I guess we were pretty busy picking out gowns. Seriously, David’s Bridal, get your sh*t together.
9. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is it. This is the dress! She looks so beautiful. She’s a princess. My best friend is a princess who is getting married. Sh*t, my best friend is getting married! We were practically in diapers together! I mean, this is the girl who, during her first time getting drunk, spelled her name in ketchup on the kitchen counter of some random guy’s house. That girl is getting married!?
10. That dress is so pretty. I want a pretty dress. I better send my wedding Pinterest board to my boyfriend, just in case he forgot which engagement ring I want.
11. We’ve been dating less than six months. Is it weird to talk about marriage? No, it’s fine. It’s just the engagement ring! People get engaged really quickly. That’s normal.
12. That wasn’t normal. He’s going to break up with me. I’m going to be alone forever. I can’t even be a lonely cat lady because I’m allergic to cats. I’m going to have to be a lonely lizard lady, oh no.
13. It’s cool. He didn’t freak. He thinks it’s cute! Endearing, even. We’re totally getting married.
14. Wow, wedding planning is stressful. All I’m in charge of is cute, Pinterest-y signs and a few lawn games, and I’m having a panic attack. What if my decorations aren’t rustic enough?
15. I can’t even imagine what the bride is going through. She’s managing a baby, an adult baby, an overbearing mother, a really overbearing in-law and a wedding in just a few months. I would’ve been Bridezilla like, now. Like, before now. I’m going to be Fiancéezilla.
16. No, do not let yourself be Fiancéezilla. Old, lonely lizard-hoarding ladies are not cute. You are too cute to become that. Text your boyfriend, and make sure he still thinks you’re cute.
17. Today’s the day. I survived 10 months of planning, organizing, finding knee-high chocolate brown cowboy boots and keeping everybody happy. I can handle a wedding.
18. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. WHY ISN’T THE GROOM READY? SOMEONE CONTROL THE MOM FIGHT. WHERE IS THE JEWEL-ENCRUSTED BELT FOR THE WEDDING GOWN AND THE MATCHING TIARA AND VEIL COMBO? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE HAVE THEIR SH*T TOGETHER?
19. We’re cool. It’s cool. Everyone is cool.
20. I’m not cool. She’s so beautiful. I swear, just yesterday she was sending the group videos of her reading a magazine and eating gummy bears buck naked in the shower, and now she’s marrying the love of her life. It’s enough to make you cry.
21. And by cry, I mean choke on unrelenting streams of messy, snotty tears.
22. The way he looks at her is so sweet. Why doesn’t my boyfriend look at me like that? Oh my God, he’s crying! He's crying. That is so sweet. My boyfriend better cry when I walk down the aisle. My boyfriend will cry when I walk down the aisle. Knowing he has to spend a lifetime with me is enough to make anyone cry.
23. I want to get married. I’m totally prepared for marriage. I mean, I did catch the bouquet, after all. That’s like, destiny, right?
24. Wrong. It’s the morning after the reception, and I’m still so drunk I puked out of pure shock when my boyfriend peed with the door open. Maybe next year.