67 Ways My Life Changed Instantly After The Solar Eclipse

Ad failed to load

Like so many of you, I watched the solar eclipse with rapt attention. I, too, rejoiced as the dark shadow of the moon stretched across the sun late this afternoon. Life, like the stars, was all-too ready to align, and the ever-eclipsing sun formed an inch-by-inch countdown to the new me that waited on the other end of its waning darkness.

The second the eclipse came to a close and the sun returned to its fiery, spherical glory, I could feel it at once: the whole of me changed, renewed; lustrous, bright, and bursting.

It was like I took a shower with Ponce de Leon in the fountain of youth. Like Thetis dipped me in the River Styx and didn't even forget my ankle. Like Steve Guttenberg and I went pool-hopping in exclusively Florida-based nursing homes. Like… super changed. All the changed. V changed.

Ad failed to load

I could tell the crowd around me noticed – even without me shrieking at the top of my lungs that I was a new woman. They even parted for me to pass as I chanted in tongues about my newfound humanity... all the way back to my desk at work.

My co-workers were just as supportive. I heard them huddled in the bathroom talking about it, like “We need to get her help.” Aww, guys. I see you and I heart you.

Ad failed to load

Following the eclipse, my changes were so remarkable, I decided to commit them to words as best I could manage, which is pretty damn good because I am at peak life right now.

This list is forever-updating, but thus far, in the few hours that separate me from that shadowy, Kaitlyn-altering occasion, these are all the things that have changed irrevocably in my life:

1. My relationship with my mother instantly mended, and we don't even fight at Thanksgiving anymore.

Ad failed to load

2. I grew 3.5 inches and everyone on Tinder did, too.

3. My face now has a permanent Snapchat filter on it, and I can't score fewer than 100 likes on Instagram if I tried.

4. I've won six radio contests today and counting. Anyone want to come to Hawaii with me?

Ad failed to load

5. Every single one of my exes has already called and apologized for everything they've done.

6. All ice cream within a five-mile radius is now free.

7. Catcallers have turned their attention to my academic accomplishments.

Ad failed to load

8. My student loans company called just to talk. The convo went so well, they forgave my six-figure debt. Thanks, Sallie.

9. As of a few minutes ago, I'm Beyoncé's twins' godmother.

10. Every shade of lipstick now looks phenomenal with my skin tone.

Ad failed to load

11. I've received accolades for my hilarious Twitter jokes from both Donald Trump and Barack Obama. Partisan who?

12. My entrance into rooms is suddenly met with spontaneous applause.

13. I can't seem to draw uneven eyeliner wings.

Ad failed to load

14. Salsa dancing, which has previously escaped me entirely, is now second nature.

15. I haven't 100 percent confirmed, but I'm immortal now.

16. The race is down to me or Idris Elba for the next James Bond.

Ad failed to load

17. I know exactly how Game of Thrones is going to end… on the show and in the books.

18. My face is clear, my crops are thriving, and my soul is rejuvenated.

19. I finally got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts.

Ad failed to load

20. Learning languages has become almost too simple: I've nailed down Swahili and Portuguese in the last hour alone.

21. More people follow me on Instagram than that bully I went to high school with (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOUR SELFIES AREN'T WORKING).

22. Mercury doesn't retrograde for me anymore.

Ad failed to load

23. They just added my full name to the dictionary, defined as “blinding, eclipse-induced perfection.”

24. Literally every flight is now free, unless I want to fly first class, then it's double the free.

25. There are no such thing as “taxes” for me; the IRS are big fans (hey boos!).

Ad failed to load

26. Heels stopped hurting, which makes being 3.5 inches taller a hell of a lot easier.

27. Vegetables taste good now, and I still won't eat them.

28. Mosquitos don't eat me; I eat mosquitos.

Ad failed to load

29. They canceled all future Mondays for me.

30. They're creating a Gilmore Girls spinoff in which Logan, Jess, and I all raise Rory's baby in an unconventional but beautiful narrative.

31. My hair dries like a blowout every damn time.

Ad failed to load

32. Cereal decided to stop getting soggy at the end of a bowl of it.

33. They've decided to start re-airing the Saturday morning cartoons from my childhood, not yours.

34. I suddenly have such a wonderful voice that they've retroactively named me the winner of every American Idol competition since its inception.

Ad failed to load

35. My pores are so small, you guys.

36. I've been asked out six times since I took my last bathroom break. At work.

37. CNN is real news again.

Ad failed to load

38. So far... 4,129 of the 4,140 universities in the United States have offered me honorary degrees.

39. I'm fully blind, but now I see.

40. Kris Jenner adopted me and gave me Kanye's Twitter login.

Ad failed to load

41. I've started aging backward, like a way hotter Benjamin Button.

42. Cooking is instantaneous, delicious, (and most importantly) Instagrammable.

43. If I knock on something three times, it automatically turns into cheese.

Ad failed to load

44. My lips are now bigger than Kylie Jenner's…

45. And my nonexistent lip kit is already sold out online in anticipation.

46. I just received a five-year extension on being in my 20s.

Ad failed to load

47. The ATM no longer says “LOLS” when I try to take out $20.

48. Red wine has officially stopped staining my teeth.

49. I no longer receive any spam – post, email, or phone calls – anymore.

Ad failed to load

50. They're giving me a reality TV show called, Is There Anything She Can't Do?

51. The length of my hangover is directly proportional to a number of chicken nuggets I eat.

52. I have cheekbones without contouring now, so, deal with that.

Ad failed to load

53. Someone says "no" for me.

54. I am the deciding vote in 196 countries' elections.

55. Dumbledore, Sirius, Dobby, and Fred Weasley are all alive and chilling at my apartment right now.

Ad failed to load

56. I got a Fit Tea endorsement.

57. Peter from The Bachelorette got over his commitment issues and proposed to me.

58. Chris Pratt and Anna Faris got back together.

Ad failed to load

59. A puppy automatically appears every time I'm sad now, but I'm never sad, so I've never seen it.

60. My money tree is the real deal.

61. I'm suddenly an emotionally stable adult.

Ad failed to load

62. I orgasm every time I have sex now.

63. My exes can no longer see when I view their stories.

64. One Direction finally got back together and it's all because they all want to date me.

Ad failed to load

65. Netflix never asks me if I'm “still watching” anymore.

66. I always look good in my front-facing camera, no matter what the angle.

67. Donald Trump just got impeached.

Ad failed to load

Must Reads

Cherry Print Is One Of Summer's Biggest Fashion Trends & It's So Much Sweeter Than Florals

If there's one thing that I've had my eye on this summer it's a cool, flirty cherry-print dress. Along with versatile black tops and blue denim, the color red has become a staple in my wardrobe this year and anytime I can infuse it into my daily look…
By Ariana Marsh

Your Weekly Horoscope Is Here & Your World Is About To Be Filled With Sunshine

If you've had enough of the sleepy and heavy feeling associated with Taurus season, prepare yourself for a replenishing rush of fresh energy. As of May 20, the sun has officially moved into Gemini, and the weight on your shoulders will finally start …
By Roya Backlund

13 Must-Have Experiences You Should Buy In Your 20s, Instead Of A New Couch

Life is one big experience. When you hit your 20s, though, you start getting pulled in the direction of your responsibilities. It isn't totally a bad thing, but you don't want to get so wrapped into adulting that you forget life's zest. Amazing exper…
By Jasmine Vaughn-Hall

I Tried Kim Kardashian's Weird Beauty Obsession & I Can't Stop Taking Selfies

You've been there before: You're scrolling through your Instagram feed when you see your favorite celeb post about their favorite new product — a face serum, vitamins that will make your skin brighter, or a specialty food service. You can't help but …
By Stephanie Montes

Where You Should Vacation This Summer, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Summer is so much more than just sweating in 90 degree weather and enjoying a long, lazy break from school (if you're lucky enough to still be in school). It's a time for making exciting new plans, falling madly and hopelessly in love, opening your m…
By Roya Backlund

Wander or Bust: The Amalfi Coast May Just Be The Most Beautiful Thing You'll Ever See

Wander or Bust is an Elite Daily travel series that follows young women all over the globe to record their journeys as they experience the thrill of the far-flung and unknown. They'll track their budgets, where they stay, where they eat and drink, a…
By Kaylin Pound

6 Brutally Honest Phases Of Life After A Breakup, Because You Will Survive 

If you've ever been through a bad breakup, you know that the struggle is real. For the weeks (or possibly months, if it was a really bad one) that follow, life can be rough, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't believe me? Just l…
By Rachel Shatto

Here's How You Can Find Out What Your Aura Color Is

Do you remember that movie Almost Famous? More specifically, the scene where William is trying to have a phone call with his mom, but a clairvoyant Band-Aid keeps shouting "Your aura is purple!" in his face? Well, that was the first time I had ever h…
By Roya Backlund

9 Women In Their 20s Reflect On The Advice They Wish They Had At Graduation

Graduating college can feel seriously scary. You've spent your entire life in school, working and preparing for the moment you enter the real world, but what happens when you get there? What if things don't go totally according to plan? You may have …
By Brittney Morgan

3 Early Signs You Are Going To Have Undeniable Chemistry With Your Crush

I don't know if there's anything better than the excitement of having a new crush — especially when that feeling's reciprocated. The butterflies that rush through your stomach as soon as they enter a room. The electricity that zips through your veins…
By Genevieve Wheeler

Emoji Pool Floats Are Here To Match Every Mood You’re In This Summer

Searching for the perfect poolside accessory to lounge around in this summer? This year’s hottest warm weather water trend isn’t a big floppy hat or designer sunglasses — it’s an emoji pool float. That’s right: Your favorite little digital expression…
By Rachel Murphy

Here's How Your Mood & Your Favorite Music Are Secretly Connected, According To Science

If you're someone who's likely to be found with ear buds in her ears at all times, you might not realize just how often you listen to music, or the ways in which it's really affecting you. From your morning commute to the tunes you blast while you co…
By Caroline Burke

This Is How Long It Takes For A Partner To Really Trust You, According To Experts

Trust is easily one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship, but typically, it's not something that's fully there from the start because it takes some time to build. How long it takes for a partner to trust you is a question that doesn'…
By Tayi Sanusi

7 Things You Forgot To Thank Your High School Friends For & Should ASAP

Friends are a dime a dozen, but a solid, genuine group of girlfriends can be difficult to come by. When you find your tribe, you need to stick with them until the end. For some lucky people, your high school friends have been your besties since day o…
By Rachel Chapman

These 3 Zodiac Signs Will Have The Best Week, So Bask In The Glory

It's officially the second week of May, and the warmth of spring has finally arrived. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the bright weather is allowing everyone to finally break out their favorite pair of shorts. If you think the gorgeou…
By Roya Backlund

7 Men Reveal What Attracted Them To Their Last Crush & They'll Make You Swoon

He reminded me of Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl. That's legitimately what I found appealing about my most recent crush. Sorry, but it doesn't get any deeper than that. In other instances though, when I'm not trying to live out my lustful, adolescen…
By Sydnee Lyons

A Relationship Expert Reveals His Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

"Long-distance relationships are extremely relaxing and easy to navigate," said no one in a long-distance relationship ever. Whether you are bicoastal babes or a quick two-hour train ride apart, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes…
By Kimmy Foskett

How To Start Reading Tarot When You Have No Clue Where To Begin

I've been practicing tarot almost daily as part of my self-care routine for years. My favorite part of the day is putting on a face mask, pouring myself a blushing mimosa or some coffee, busting out a few crystals, and sitting down to spend a little …
By Minerva Siegel

7 Questions You Should Be Able To Answer About Your Life By The Time You Hit 30

Nobody has all of the answers in life, but you're probably pretty proud of yourself for how far you've come. Somewhere along the way, some of us got the hang of adulting and began to appreciate the unexpected things that come with being 20-something.…
By Marisa Casciano