Like so many of you, I watched the solar eclipse with rapt attention. I, too, rejoiced as the dark shadow of the moon stretched across the sun late this afternoon. Life, like the stars, was all-too ready to align, and the ever-eclipsing sun formed an inch-by-inch countdown to the new me that waited on the other end of its waning darkness.
The second the eclipse came to a close and the sun returned to its fiery, spherical glory, I could feel it at once: the whole of me changed, renewed; lustrous, bright, and bursting.
It was like I took a shower with Ponce de Leon in the fountain of youth. Like Thetis dipped me in the River Styx and didn't even forget my ankle. Like Steve Guttenberg and I went pool-hopping in exclusively Florida-based nursing homes. Like… super changed. All the changed. V changed.
I could tell the crowd around me noticed – even without me shrieking at the top of my lungs that I was a new woman. They even parted for me to pass as I chanted in tongues about my newfound humanity... all the way back to my desk at work.
My co-workers were just as supportive. I heard them huddled in the bathroom talking about it, like “We need to get her help.” Aww, guys. I see you and I heart you.
Following the eclipse, my changes were so remarkable, I decided to commit them to words as best I could manage, which is pretty damn good because I am at peak life right now.
This list is forever-updating, but thus far, in the few hours that separate me from that shadowy, Kaitlyn-altering occasion, these are all the things that have changed irrevocably in my life:
1. My relationship with my mother instantly mended, and we don't even fight at Thanksgiving anymore.
2. I grew 3.5 inches and everyone on Tinder did, too.
3. My face now has a permanent Snapchat filter on it, and I can't score fewer than 100 likes on Instagram if I tried.
4. I've won six radio contests today and counting. Anyone want to come to Hawaii with me?
5. Every single one of my exes has already called and apologized for everything they've done.
6. All ice cream within a five-mile radius is now free.
7. Catcallers have turned their attention to my academic accomplishments.
8. My student loans company called just to talk. The convo went so well, they forgave my six-figure debt. Thanks, Sallie.
9. As of a few minutes ago, I'm Beyoncé's twins' godmother.
10. Every shade of lipstick now looks phenomenal with my skin tone.
11. I've received accolades for my hilarious Twitter jokes from both Donald Trump and Barack Obama. Partisan who?
12. My entrance into rooms is suddenly met with spontaneous applause.
13. I can't seem to draw uneven eyeliner wings.
14. Salsa dancing, which has previously escaped me entirely, is now second nature.
15. I haven't 100 percent confirmed, but I'm immortal now.
16. The race is down to me or Idris Elba for the next James Bond.
17. I know exactly how Game of Thrones is going to end… on the show and in the books.
18. My face is clear, my crops are thriving, and my soul is rejuvenated.
19. I finally got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts.
20. Learning languages has become almost too simple: I've nailed down Swahili and Portuguese in the last hour alone.
21. More people follow me on Instagram than that bully I went to high school with (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND YOUR SELFIES AREN'T WORKING).
22. Mercury doesn't retrograde for me anymore.
23. They just added my full name to the dictionary, defined as “blinding, eclipse-induced perfection.”
24. Literally every flight is now free, unless I want to fly first class, then it's double the free.
25. There are no such thing as “taxes” for me; the IRS are big fans (hey boos!).
26. Heels stopped hurting, which makes being 3.5 inches taller a hell of a lot easier.
27. Vegetables taste good now, and I still won't eat them.
28. Mosquitos don't eat me; I eat mosquitos.
29. They canceled all future Mondays for me.
30. They're creating a Gilmore Girls spinoff in which Logan, Jess, and I all raise Rory's baby in an unconventional but beautiful narrative.
31. My hair dries like a blowout every damn time.
32. Cereal decided to stop getting soggy at the end of a bowl of it.
33. They've decided to start re-airing the Saturday morning cartoons from my childhood, not yours.
34. I suddenly have such a wonderful voice that they've retroactively named me the winner of every American Idol competition since its inception.
35. My pores are so small, you guys.
36. I've been asked out six times since I took my last bathroom break. At work.
37. CNN is real news again.
38. So far... 4,129 of the 4,140 universities in the United States have offered me honorary degrees.
39. I'm fully blind, but now I see.
40. Kris Jenner adopted me and gave me Kanye's Twitter login.
41. I've started aging backward, like a way hotter Benjamin Button.
42. Cooking is instantaneous, delicious, (and most importantly) Instagrammable.
43. If I knock on something three times, it automatically turns into cheese.
44. My lips are now bigger than Kylie Jenner's…
45. And my nonexistent lip kit is already sold out online in anticipation.
46. I just received a five-year extension on being in my 20s.
47. The ATM no longer says “LOLS” when I try to take out $20.
48. Red wine has officially stopped staining my teeth.
49. I no longer receive any spam – post, email, or phone calls – anymore.
50. They're giving me a reality TV show called, Is There Anything She Can't Do?
51. The length of my hangover is directly proportional to a number of chicken nuggets I eat.
52. I have cheekbones without contouring now, so, deal with that.
53. Someone says "no" for me.
54. I am the deciding vote in 196 countries' elections.
55. Dumbledore, Sirius, Dobby, and Fred Weasley are all alive and chilling at my apartment right now.
56. I got a Fit Tea endorsement.
57. Peter from The Bachelorette got over his commitment issues and proposed to me.
58. Chris Pratt and Anna Faris got back together.
59. A puppy automatically appears every time I'm sad now, but I'm never sad, so I've never seen it.
60. My money tree is the real deal.
61. I'm suddenly an emotionally stable adult.
62. I orgasm every time I have sex now.
63. My exes can no longer see when I view their stories.
64. One Direction finally got back together and it's all because they all want to date me.
65. Netflix never asks me if I'm “still watching” anymore.
66. I always look good in my front-facing camera, no matter what the angle.
67. Donald Trump just got impeached.