69 Hungover Thoughts You Have When You Swear You'll Never Drink Again

by Ashley Fern

Waking up with a massive hangover is probably the worst thing in world.

Week after week, the pattern repeats: After a night of drinking, we hate ourselves and swear we're never doing this again. But we never really truly our lesson, and we continue to make terrible decisions.

Why do we do this? Because -- despite being actual adults -- we still give into peer pressure.

Of course you can have fun without alcohol (well, some can, so I've heard). But once the liquids start flowing, it becomes difficult to stop.

We should all be more than familiar with our limits by now, but we choose to ignore them whenever the weekend rolls around.

We know that fifth or sixth shot is going to put us over the edge, but once we see our friends indulging, we simply cannot help ourselves.

And once Monday arrives, we make yet another vow to break this cycle of pain.

But then it's someone's birthday or happy hour, and we just can't resist an opportunity to drink. We fall back into the same self-destructive pattern.

So, how do you feel when you finally emerge from your blacked-out state of sleep -- when all of the awful things you said and did come into full view?

How do you react once you've officially heard everyone's account of all the crazy things you did the night before to the point where you have to accept that, yes, you were dancing on the bar, and yes, you did take body shots off that bouncer?

I would say that the inner (and sometimes external) monologue goes a little something like this...

1. This can't be happening right now.

2. What the f*ck did I do last night?

3. How did I get home?

4. Why is the light burning through my skull?

5. Jesus Christ, why do I do this to myself so often?

6. Will I ever learn?

7. Probably not.

8. Ugh, I wish I could have someone bring me water from the kitchen.

9. And 75 packets of Emergen-C.

10. Am I dying?

11. This has to be what death feels like.

12. I'm never drinking again.

13. No, this time I really mean that.

14. I swear.

15. Who am I kidding?

16. I'm supposed to go out tonight.

17. I wonder if I can bail on it without making it obvious that I'm ridiculously hungover.

18. But THEN what am I going to do?

19. Why is life so hard?

20. What did I do to deserve this?


22. No, I'm really not, but this is still utter bullsh*t.

23. I wonder if I'll feel better if I just pull the trigger.

24. How the hell do you even do that?

25. Ew, f*ck that. That's disgusting.

26. Does this mean I don't have a gag reflex?

27. That's pretty dope.

28. Where's my bowl?

29. Weed always helps a hangover.

30. Yeah, until it doesn't.

31. Now my headache is even worse.

32. Goddamnit.

33. I hate my life.

34. It'll never get easier, will it?

35. I need to grow the F up.


37. Yeah right.

38. How do people have fun without alcohol?

39. I don't understand.

40. I wonder if I could be one of those people.

41. I highly doubt it.

42. Where's the fun in that?

43. Nowhere -- that's where.

44. What am I going to do tonight?

45. This hangover better subside by then, or I'm sh*t out of luck.

46. I can't bail on my friends.

47. I mean, it's the weekend. You're supposed to go out and have fun.

48. Isn't that why Sundays were invented?

49. To provide a day and time to recover from the previous night's festivities?

50. Wow, that's embarrassing. I can never say anything like that again.

51. Pshhh, I've said so much worse.

52. How do I still have friends to go out with?

53. I never remember anything we do.

54. I guess no one else does, either.

55. Thank God for that.

56. F*CK.

57. How am I getting tagged in photos from last night?

58. I don't recall any photos being taken.

59. Jesus, this is about to get real bad.

60. Oh, lovely! My tongue is out, and I'm winking.

61. I'm sure my parents are going to be so thrilled when they see these photos blowing up their news feeds.

62. At least that's all they think went down last night.

63. It definitely could be a lot worse.

64. Praise the Lord they haven't figured out how to use Snapchat, or I'd really be screwed.

65. Or access to my call and text logs.

66. Speaking of, I wonder what poor, unfortunate soul bore witness to my incessant drunk dialing.

67. That's embarrassing...

68. Okay, so obviously I just need to erase every text and outgoing call and pretend none of it never happened.

69. That's the only logical thing to do, right? RIGHT? Right.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.