Living at home “for a little while” is one of life's bittersweet luxuries.
But the kicker is that it’s never just a "little while." It’s always an awkwardly long time, and it usually gives way to an existential crisis.
You lose and find yourself a million times over. In one moment, you're 12 again and crying because your mom says you can't hang out with your friends. In another, you're 75 and calling it a night after "60 Minutes."
Here they are -- the ups and downs of “living at home for a little while.”
Up: It’s temporary.
This is wonderful! You’ll just crash here for a while, stress-free, until you get your sh*t together.
Down: It’s never "just a little while."
One year later, your sh*t is still not together. You're still sleeping in your childhood bedroom.
Up: Your parents cook for you.
It’s like you have your own personal chef... except he’s also your dad, and he’s actually cooking for your entire family, but, like, WHATEVER.
Down: You are forced to comply with whatever is being served.
UGH, CHICKEN... AGAIN?!?!!
Up: You never have to spend money on groceries.
Walk up to the fridge feeling like P Diddy.
Down: You'll take late-night binges to the EXTREME.
(To be clear, you are "MAMA" in this situation. I'm not talking about the actual "Mama" who goes to Costco every Sunday to stock the pantry).
Up: You will always have a designated driver when you’re too drunk to drive home.
Who needs Uber when you have Mom?
Down: You will always have that awkward late-night run-in that makes you feel like a 16-year-old high schooler who just got caught.
Okay, so I swear what I did was perfectly legal, but why do I get the sneaking suspicion that I’m going to be grounded at any moment…?
Up: You will never have to worry about finding a parking spot.
There’s a spot in the driveway that's reserved for you every day. For free!
Down: No new dent on your car will go unnoticed.
Unfortunately, that driveway is also reserved for Mom and Dad, who will no doubt notice the not-so-little “fender bender” you had today.
Up: You never have to do your own laundry.
OMG, THANKS GUYS!
Down: Your mom will find all of your slutty clothes and suspicious stains.
“What are these, G-strings?! Aren’t those for 'loose' girls???”
Up: You get babied.
There is NOTHING more wonderful than getting sick while you’re home and having your mommy rub your back and spoon-feed you like the precious baby you are.
Down: You become a baby.
The second something doesn't go your way, you throw a temper tantrum and cry like an irrational psychopath. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULDN’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHEN YOU KNOW "MODERN FAMILY" IS ON RIGHT NOW, AND IT IS MY FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIME. IT’S LIKE I’M INVISIBLE.
*storms into room, slams door, bursts into tears, emerges as a 17-year-old*
Up: You always have someone to talk to.
Had a rough day? Mom and Dad are ALWAYS down to hear all about it. Give them the deets nobody else wants to hear. These fools are biologically programmed to give a sh*t.
Down: …even when you don’t want to talk to anybody.
The problem here is they care SO much that they will pry even when the last thing you want to do is talk about it.
Up: You save money on rent.
Every month that goes by is another grand in your pocket, baby!
Down: You find yourself spending that money on other stupid sh*t you don’t need.
And that grand goes toward another set of wasted weekends with your high school friends, baby!
Up: They force you to have your sh*t together more.
It’s hard to leave the house unprepared when your dad will literally not let you out until you've passed his checklist (wallet, keys, phone).
Down: You feel like the stability of your life is completely in their hands.
Will you ever be able to be a safe responsible adult WITHOUT Dad’s help?!
Up: You have an unlimited wardrobe full of clothes you cannot afford to borrow.
Who needs Filene when you have MOM’s closet to go ham on!?
Down: You will turn into your mom.
One day, you look in the mirror, and you've become your mother.
Up: You always have someone to worry if you don’t make it home one night.
"We haven’t heard from her in 10 hours! CODE RED! CALL THE POLICE! ALERT THE MEDIA!"
Down: You will have to explain why you didn’t make it back home last night to your worried parents.
No, Dad. Don’t worry. I was just at the lovely studio apartment of a random man I met out at a sketchy bar last night.
Up: You remember why one of your parents is your best friend.
When Mom is sitting at the foot of your bed right before you fall asleep, and you're talking about life, you realize she really is your best friend. She’s been there through thick and thin and loved you literally since BEFORE you were born. This bitch is the original ride-or-die.
Down: One of you will get a little TMI after forgetting that you're not real best friends.
OMG, EW MOM, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE! GET OUT!
Up: Everything you run out of will magically reappear.
Where did this toilet paper come from?!? IT’S MAGIC!
Down: You will have NO privacy.
While that magic was happening, Dad also found those condom wrappers in the trash.
Up: If you manage to not clean your room for long enough, they will clean it for you.
Down: You will never know where anything is.
MOM! WHERE THE F*CK ARE MY SOCKS!?!?!?! Also, sorry for swearing. But can you just please tell me where my socks are?
Up: You always have someone to sleep with.
Living at home gives you a guaranteed snuggle buddy every night.
Down: That person is your mother.
No further explanation necessary.