I'm Done: 20 Times That Last Shot Actually Ruined Your Life
We all have our go-to, hilariously mortifying story about drinking too much that, at the time, took months to recover from, but now we recall with pride and acceptance. It took a while to internalize this.
Only now can you say with confidence and experience that the last shot never fails to ruin your life and take your dignity down with it. Well then, bring it on bartender.
People who go for that final blow are risk-takers. They aren't afraid to submit themselves to the uninhibited awesomeness, overboard uncertainty and potential embarrassment that comes after chasing your goner shot with nothing but celebratory fists in the air.
...Yeah, that's what you think moments before you receive text messages of you, so drunk you're accidentally frontal-flashing a house party of 70 from the top of the roof. Ah, the good 'ol days.
There are times when you really, really just don't need another and yet you drink it anyway because you live by the philosophy that there's always room for one more and why the f*ck not? Who cares that you sucked face with a guy/girl that too closely resembles Dwight Schrute, right?
"Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol" is only a song and T-Pain doesn't even come close to the pain you will feel the morning after you decide to drink and ink "Kamikaze" on your chest. Here are the 20 times the last shot ruined your life:
1. When the only option is bottom shelf backwoods moonshine rubbing alcohol.
It's going to be a wild night, starting with your gnarly choice of alcohol. You know the lethal stuff is going to make you throw up -- but hey! look on the bright side -- at least it's going to make you throw up!
Instant hangover cure plus weight loss supplement all in one? We'll take it.
2. When you already can't walk, even without your heels on.
The only solution to not being able to walk is to be carried. So, go for that extra shot of less feeling in your legs and make sure there is someone who cares close by. You just scored a free ride on a back.
3. When you started talking in a British accent.
(Not very well, might we add.) You got so drunk that you not only told lies -- you even believed them. There are about 37 people on the Lower East Side who are fully convinced you are a Swedish pop-star transplant who lost all her money and is now studying to be a veterinarian.
Some imagination you have.
4. When you light a cigarette the wrong way.
Oof, it hurts even just to type it. This is a special type of final shot that ends your life as well as your romantic and taste-worthy one for a while.
All those delights you previously enjoyed -- soup, coffee, third base -- are off limits for some time as you heal your oral and social wounds.
5. When you come home blackout and make out with a cheeseburger.
You just feel so lonely, so empty inside. You need to fill your heart with love in the form of clogged arteries.
Nothing tastes as good as drunk emotional eating and passing out on the couch because you have the spins and can't be too far from the ground.
6. When you insist on peeing into a garbage can or on the street (or both).
Be careful. The threat of public urination is real. And urinext.
7. When you think that all your friends are still at the bar and so you buy six shots only to realize that they actually left you.
Losers Anonymous is waiting for you at the other end. They have a wonderful program.
8. When you've already told all the patrons at the bar you loved them (twice).
Overdoing it doesn't always make you a belligerent grump! Sometimes you actually become way nicer than normal. If only that meant that people liked you in this state, though. Sigh.
9. When you wake up in a drunk tank in a Relay For Life t-shirt and a cup of orange juice next to you and you aren't released until you're finally sober... at 3 pm the next day.
This could only happen in college. You wouldn't see the light of day if this were today. Your metabolism is, like, way slower now.
10. When you call a guy by your ex-boyfriend's name during sex.
You got so blackout you went back to the darkives. (See what we did there?)
11. When the bartender already cut you off two hours ago.
In all fairness it wasn't because you were too drunk. It was because she knew she'd have to serve you all night and you're a sh*tty tipper.
Nah, who you kidding? You made up that story just like you made up that you were super sober twenty minutes ago.
12. When you need your mom to take your clothes off for you.
She's the only woman to ever get in these pants.
13. When you're clearly overdrawn on your bank account.
This is actually the one instance in which you probably should take down that last shot. It eases the pain of being poor and will keep you warm at night when you can't afford heat.
14. When you pissed that guy’s bed...
Not one of your finer moments. Be glad he isn't on Instagram.
15. When you wake up in your mom's bed naked after having done a striptease for your family.
Redefining a very merry Christmas. You will never, under any circumstances, drink in excess to make the family holiday party more interesting. Boring will be juuuuust fine.
16. When it was at the office.
Luckily the janitor has a sense of humor and your office kitchen is more secure than your work email. Otherwise, your last shot would be your final call.
17. When you offer everyone rounds.
"I just want everybody to get on my level," you screamed as you demanded more shots for the crowd. And what level is that exactly? The one in which you wake up to a Chase notice suggesting what happened last night was fraud because no one could have possibly spent that much money at a dive bar?
Hating yourself doesn't even begin to describe how you feel right now.
18. When you have family time the next day.
Mom had one hope for you: to dream big and exceed your limits. And you did just that. So why is she so angry you went for it last night and still smell like it at Sunday night dinner? You drank an entire handle of vodka. You were surpassing what everyone else expected of you. OK, mom?
19. When the busted dude bought it for you and then ended up in your bed.
It was all part of his evil plan to make himself look better in your drunk-goggled eyes. You and your lady bits are sad to say it worked. Thank God you don't remember it because that means it doesn't count.
20. When you literally died of alcohol poisoning.
You're done. The end.